God is Good - All the Time

oh my....it's been a while...

2010-04-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've been on here! wow.

I don't know that I'll be better. I'm so busy.

Between family, school, church, baseball, baseball treasurer/meetings, and working out (which I need to get to today), it's a whirlwind for me.

Life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Just really trying to survive.

Blogger, I will attempt to be better --- but not promises.

I LOVE MY KIDS

2009-09-29T19:38:00.001-07:00

My kids and everyone seem to be doing pretty great. We're settling in to our school year routine - which is going pretty well considering all the changes this year. Luke is in 3rd grade and loving his class. Many of his friends are in his home room. Barring a trip to the principal's office for fighting, he's doing ok. He'll be doing dishes until August 4, 2010, but he's fine. :) Drew and Evan are together in Mrs. Willis' class in the 1st grade. They look like jack-o-lanterns. I don't know how they eat with so few teeth! They continue to be the ladies' men! We'll have to watch that...Gabriel is ornery and cute as always. He is going to preschool 3 days a week now, which is new from last year. He seems to getting things better this year, so that is a relief. He likes his time with my grandma on those days. It will be sad when they go to Florida in November. He enjoys being the "only" one getting the attention at her house. Maya is goofy, cuddly, energetic, demanding, busy, and all-around-awesome all the time. I can't imagine the void I would have always felt without her. I love her so much. I love them all, but I can honestly say now that I feel done. I feel like my family is complete with her. We're well-rounded now....something....I don't know how to quite explain it. All I know is that I'm loving the blessings I've been given. And they are such good kids. I know I'm bragging. Oh well....

Luke is playing football this year. He's on the 4th grade tackle team as a 3rd grade student, and he is playing REALLY well. I can't be more proud. Drew and Evan are on flag football again this year, and they are running backs, which makes them happy. And they're so fast, I imagine it will work out well for them. Gabriel isn't playing yet, but it won't be long.

I'm not good at blogging anymore - darn facebook...! :) HA HA! Come find me there!

Have a fantastic fall!

so much stuff to do....

2009-03-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

...so little time...

*edit*
...so little time when i'm actually motivated to get it done.

2009-03-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

I think I must be crazy.

Facebook and Little House

2009-03-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

What is new? What is new?
Hmmm.

I'm always on facebook - find me there....

I love being a mommy. I may have to switch jobs (but I'm thankful in this economy I have one) next school year. It would be stressful, but I would have to manage. I'm getting ready for the Easter drama at church. So much preparation! If I didn't have an assistant for it, I could NOT do it. Chad has a new job which keeps him out working til usually after 8 each night. It stinks, but he likes the job, and in the long run, it will probably be financially better for us if we can get through this economic crisis. Obama is horrible, but we all knew that. Well, at least those who didn't are finding it out now. (Seriously? Paying for abortions overseas? Potentially forcing physicians to perform abortions regardless of their religious beliefs? Stimulus package schmimulus package. Stimulus my butt.) Gabriel is finding his silly. Drew and Evan read better and better each day. Luke is finding his place to fit and an amazing big brother. Bo (the dog) is ridiculous. I'm over it. If you know someone who wants an enormous chocolate lab, send them my name. Yahoo spam is out of control. I love the smell but not the taste of pickles. I'm NOT pregnant. Should never be again. At the risk of sounding just like every other female in America, I read the entire Twilight series in about 10 days I think. The books are amazing, and I hate that there aren't about 5 more books. I want to see the movie. I finally found a really cool friend at work (not that I didn't have any - just that we're really clicking these days) and I potentially (probably/more than likely) will be moving back to the high school/middle school position next year, and I will miss her. I'm excited about teaching SINGING again. I miss it. I miss connecting with those kids. I miss everything about it but the hours. So in that respect, I am apprehensive, but I really and truly am excited if I am honest with myself. I just have to put my family before the job. I wasn't really good at that before. But I had only 60% of the children that I do now, too....I got the Blackberry Storm for Christmas, and I love the idea of it. I even really enjoy the features. But it freezes. It freezes MORE than it doesn't. I don't like that. Imagine the audacity I have to own a cell phone and expect to be able to use it! I doubt Verizon would be any help....maybe when I get 5 extra hours I'll go wait in line to be told that they can't do anything for me. Um, let's see. That would be a week from next never. The kids were on the computer because I laid my arm in something sticky. Ew. Now papers are sticking to my arm, but I'm typing so fast I can't imagine stopping this creative flow and genius.

I am back. My arm is not sticky.

I have discovered that a week away every 2 weeks to get my nails done is absolutely necessary or I will cry. I need the me time, and it's really not that costly. I take my lunch every day now to compensate that cost. Call me crazy, but I'm considering growing my hair out to get a perm. Think how much time I would save in the morning without the morning routine of wash/dry forever because I got mom's thick THICK hair/straight iron/spray/straight iron/give up cause the baby is crying or gabe can't find shoes so i gotta go anyway. It may not be the "in" thing, but I'm considering it.

I also have just moved my keyboard to my lap. It has been so long since I actually got on the PC because of the internet access on my BB Storm, that I almost forgot how to type.

Soooo, I have a story. One that involves Luke and Drew. After baths tonight, Luke came running in with his tattle face on. Normally I ignore all tattling, but I can't ignore bad words...when Luke said Drew had said a really bad one, I was a little surprised when he wouldn't tell me which of the really bad ones he had said. (They think "shut up" is a bad word...) Luke wouldn't spell it. He said it started with a "b." I asked if it rhymed with itch. No. With mustard? No. I was stumped. At a loss. What other bad words? Chad started making up words. Bit. Bang. Bam. There were some others, but I'll spare you. Anyway, I told Luke to go get Drew. He was more than eager. Drew walked in a few seconds later with his head hanging down and a guilty finger in his mouth. I asked Drew if he had said a bad word. He stared at the floor. I asked what word he had said. I saw the lips part. I heard it, but I couldn't believe he said it. THIS was what Luke made a big deal about? So I asked Drew to repeat himself. A quiet and shameful "Boob" escaped his lips this time just loud enough for me to make it out. Chad burst in to laughter. Drew's shame evaporated, and Chad began.

"Drew, boob isn't a bad word. Tit is a bad word."
(Drew and Luke giggle)
"On Drake and Josh, the evil sister [evil is Drew's new word - he can even spell it] calls them boob all the time," Drew answered in his own defense.
"You can say boob. You can call your brother a big boob if you want," Chad encouraged.
I protested. I told Drew that it was inappropriate and he had better not say it at school. Chad said I should be glad this is what he wanted to say....there are a lot worse...yadda yadda yadda.
Then it really began. Chad began giving him the scenarios (say it when you see your brother in the hallway at school - if you get caught say you didn't say boob at all - YOU said bub. better yet! call him a booby and say you meant to say bubby!). It was not good.

I guess part of me says to lighten up. Chad's right, there are MANY MANY worse names - many of which Chad coined himself after Drew was out of earshot, thank goodness. But what's wrong with wanting to live in innocence for a little while longer?

I'm not ashamed. We watch "Little House On the Prairie" - I have the DVR set. The twins especially love this show. Luke has grown to like it, and Gabriel will watch whatever. They think it's funny. I think it is wholesome. I'm not ashamed! We all need a little dose of Half Pint!

This was random. That's what I get for not posting forever.

Anyway, check out pictures of the kids on fb if you want.
:) Have a great week!

New Years Party and Christmas with the Monizes

2009-01-01T18:51:00.001-08:00

We had some friends over for New Years and it got pretty fun when we broke out the Rock Band!! Enjoy the pictures! Greg and Chantel, Shane and Jess, and all the kids had a good time.

Here are some fun pics from tonight's last Christmas get together. The whip cream provided a lot of entertainment.

This morning

2009-01-01T10:02:00.001-08:00

Gabriel has this thing where out of the blue he will say things like, "I love you bigger than a chicken." or "I love you bigger than a house." This morning, he jumped up on my bed while I went back to gather my laundry. He gave me one of his famous lines, so I started bantering with him. Here's how it went.

Gabe: Mommy, I love you bigger than a crocodile.
Me: You do? Well, I love YOU bigger than an alligator.
Gabe: I love you bigger than a hippo!
Me: I love you bigger than a cow!
Gabe: I love you bigger than a chicken.
Me: Well, I love you bigger than a mongoose.
(pause)
Gabe: What is that?
Me: I don't know!

Then I began tickling him and his laughter filled the back of the half.

Me: I love you bigger than a house.
Gabe: I love you bigger than a bigger house.
Me: I love you bigger than a train.
Gabe: I love you bigger than a bigger train.
Me: I love you bigger than a chocolate cake!
(pause)
Gabe: That doesn't even make sense.

We both burst in to laughter. Funny, the was the ONE statement that actually DID make sense to me!

I love his laugh.

Germs and giggles

2008-12-21T17:12:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, Maya was put in to the hospital this past week with RSV. It was a four day stay that totally messed up her days and nights since they kept waking her up while she was sleeping at night. BEFORE the hospital, she was sleeping in about 5 or 6 hour segments through the night - which I was VERY HAPPY with. Friday and Saturday, she slept all day despite our attempts to rouse her and she was awake and screaming all night. Today seems to be a little better, although she still has slept more than normal. I'm not sure how much of that is that she's getting over RSV and you sleep more when you are tired and how much of it is that she's still mixing up her days and nights. Either way, I'm sure it won't be long with the loud family get togethers and the jostling of who will hold her next before she is back to sleeping well through the night. The RSV is sounding good. The doctor was very pleased with her progress at her follow up appointment on Friday.

Through this whole ordeal, she has started really coo-ing, giggling, and SMILING!! I managed to get a few of the smiles captured by camera. So, for those of you jonesing for some Maya pics, enjoy this post! Love to all! Merry CHRISTmas!!

THIS is what RSV looks like! HA! Poor girl....when she wasn't sleeping, this is what we saw for a few days.

Maya 12-21-08 with Luke. I am not sure who adores who more. Luke or Maya.

This is Maya in her Christmas dress this morning.

I l-o-v-e this picture for some reason. Maybe it's who is IN the picture.... :)

One of her first smiles on camera...from a hospital bed, no less!

Heard of the Linus project? They made her this blanket. Great idea!

The bunny is also from the people with Linus.

At church this morning.

What a great smile!! How could I not be in love!?!?!

Luke playing his XBox...had to pause for the pic!

Evan pretending to be the villian, Venom, from Spiderman

Drew being Drew.

Gabe and Maya tonight after baths

Mommy and Maya

Gabriel and Maya tonight

A day in the life...

2008-12-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

Ok. If I could fast forward through one day, today would be a good candidate.

Within 15 minutes all of this happened today:
We were finishing up lunch, and Gabriel did the traditional "How many bites do I have to eat to get up?" My answer was 5. The baby started crying, so I went to get her when I heard this noise from the kitchen. I didn't place it at first probably because it was muffled by the infant cries in my ear. Then it hit me. Gabriel was throwing up. He had put the five bites in his mouth one after another without chewing and without swallowing. There was simply no room, so he was gagging and throwing it up. I was trying to get him to the trash can while holding Maya. We made it but not before half of it was on the floor. I managed to avoid getting splatterred...but he didn't. So I instructed him to change his clothes while I changed Maya. The odor coming from her diaper, I had gathered through all of this, was the reason for her dismay.

Satisfied that he was done gagging and knew what to do, I handed him a paper towel to wipe off his face and proceeded to the changing table in Maya's room. As I walked through the house, with her in my arms, I couldn't see the floor. I stepped in something cold and slimy. I looked down to see the cat had been sick...and it was squished between my toes and up my pants leg. Ok. Take a deep breath. Hop (with Maya in your arms) on one foot to her room to set her down so you can use baby wipes to get the worst off your feet before you boil them in hot water to get that off!!!! I managed to get her sat down, and I wiped my feet off, rolled up my pants so that if there was any on the cuff, it wouldn't smear on to the carpet. I changed my daughter, and she was poopy. Got her cleaned up, put her in her seat in the living room, changed my clothes, and got the carpet cleaner.

I finished cleaning up the carpet, and by that time, Maya was fussing again, so I picked her up and sat down in the recliner. I held her up in front of me...and she spit up all over my shirt! At least it wasn't all over her.

So I THOUGHT the worst was behind me, but when the boys got home from school, the fun began! They were so wound up that I finally banned them from talking until their chores were done. This was great for about 15 minutes. Next thing I know, Luke is running up to me with his lips pinched shut, since he was not allowed to speak per my decree, and he's pointing hysterically while MMM MMM MMMMMM-ing to avoid talking and get me some kind of message. From his urgency, I knew he had to talk, so I said he could. He frantically started to tell me that someone (NOT HIM, of course) had been in the bathroom and put tooooooo much toilet paper in it, and there was water on the floor. I ran in there to find about an inch of water all over the floor and the toilet still overflowing. He was right. Gabriel had put an entire box of kleenex in the toilet for some reason. Gabriel went running to his room yelling repeatedly, "I'm sorry!!!" I started giving directions for towels. My attempts to turn off the valve were not working, so I lifted the lid to see the mess in the toilet bowl. I knew there was only one thing I could do. I had Evan go get me some Walmart bags. He came running back, and I dove in with my hands to get the mess out. As soon as I did, the water went right down. The boys started mopping up with towels...and I had to change my entire outfit (AGAIN) because my pants were wet around the ankles and my sleeves were wet up to the elbows.

I love being a mommy!

TIME

2008-12-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that I can still remember my first month with Luke, and here it is - 8 years and 4 more children later and I can't believe Maya Hope is over a month old.

She is amazing. She looks at me, and I can just feel that she loves me...and she trusts me...I can't explain it. There's something in her eyes. I don't know if it is because I know she's the last one I'll ever have and I'm trying to soak it all in or if it's because she's a girl or what. There is a connection I have never felt before. Don't get me wrong, my boys and I are very close, and they all love their mommy as I do them. I would not trade any of them for the world (although I'm willing to negotiate an over-nighter if you're interested).

I just can't say enough how blessed I feel to have Maya.

And to have Luke. His sense of humor is really blossoming. I love his new laugh. I call it that because he's learned irony and every time he gets tickled at something ironic he has a new, unique laugh. It's high pitched and short, and he keeps right on going with his story without missing a beat. It's great seeing him develop into a young man.

And I love Drew. Drew is....well, he's Drew. He's a special little boy who loves everyone and says anything that comes to his head. And I mean anything. It makes him real and honest and open, and I love that. He is also just like me in some ways when I was a kid. He gets so attached to people on TV. It's emotional for him. I was and am still that way. I remember watching a mini series in an old house that had a "blue room" which is what we called it. The last night of the series was on Sunday, and I needed to go to bed for school in the morning. The series had Mickey Roonie in it and his character was Ben, who was a mentally handicapped person. Dad wanted me to go to bed and there was still about an hour left of the last show. I cried genuinely because I wanted to know what would happen to Ben. It honestly wasn't because I didn't want to go to bed. I remember feeling so distraught that I wouldn't be able to see it. Dad let me stay up when he realized it was genuine. Drew is the same way. He's emotionally involved with the "victims" of movies. I love seeing pieces of me in my kids, as silly as some of those pieces are.

And Evan is the most sensitive pleaser I know. He just wants you to love him and be proud of him. I guess that is true of all children, but Evan verbalizes it. He wants your approval for EVERYTHING, and he's not satisfied if you don't say it. He asks all the time, "Am I being good, Mommy?" He's also the most considerate. He gives away his stuff, he wants to buy presents for EVERYONE (even Santa - no joke), and he will do things for others just because he knows it's nice. It's endearing.

Gabriel is finding himself. I love who he has found. The shy little boy that never said a word for 3 years found language and clowning all at the same time in year 4! He'll do anything for a laugh. He is cute, and he knows it. His latest thing is overexaggerated laughter. It's not loud, it just goes on and on. You can tickle him and he'll make these huge movements and laughs...and when you stop, he's still moving and laughing with the same gusto.

Kids are great. It's true.

Drew and Evan lost teeth last week. Drew lost 2 on Thanksgiving Day within about 5 minutes of each other. Evan lost one the next day. Talk about breaking the Tooth Fairy's bank!!

I completely forgot that when you have a newborn...

2008-12-03T10:00:00.001-08:00

...sometimes showering is a luxury...
...sometimes you don't even notice the spit up on your shirt...
...sometimes they make the weirdest noises...and usually those noises are followed by a screaming baby and an unpleasant odor coming from somewhere near you...
...sometimes the hiccups are your worst enemy...
...sometimes no matter how quiet you are, the startle reflex still happens...
...sometimes they just want the bottle in their mouth...they have no intention to eat anything...
...sometimes they actually don't cry during a bath and you wonder if they finally remember that just a little while ago they were swimming in fluid 24/7 so why should they cry during a bath?...
...sometimes they act like lotion feels like acid...
...sometimes your furniture gets spit up on too...
...sometimes you want to rip the phone right out of the wall for waking them up...
...sometimes they sleep through an entire army of noisy children or a crowded restaurant, but they can't seem to sleep through you walking in the room...

But I also forgot how completely wonderful it is to...
...hear them coo...
...watch their eyes learn to focus...
...see their first smile...
...hear a tiny giggle...
...watch their arms and legs circle in the air in jerky movements trying to work their muscles...
...smell their newly lotioned skin after a warm bath...
...snuggle with your little girl on your chest sweetly sleeping...

God IS good. All the time.

Good people

2008-12-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am blessed by some really good people in my life. Here, I want to take a moment to tell you who and why.

1. My uncle and his wife. I just have to say that they have really come on as some good "grandparenting" role models. With the loss of my dad two summers ago, I was somewhat worried that my kids would lose my side of the family. I don't go to church where I grew up, which means they don't really know all of them from church. My brother moved to MD. My mom moved to MT. Sometimes I feel I'm the lone Nicholson - even though I know that is not true. But busy lives change what you are able to do for your kids, too, and so seeing my side of the family doesn't happen a whole lot. Anyway, I'm so glad to have Uncle P and Aunt K (who my kids cannot stop calling grandpa and grandma - even though we've tried to break the habit - and really, who cares if they call them that?) in my kids' lives. They are SO GOOD with them. They are patient with the boys and love them and they do as much as they can with them. I love it. It gives them someone from my side to connect to on a regular basis. Of course, they know and love my mom and Jon and Todd, Micah, and Grace, but at the same time the distance between them and us creates a barrier that P and K don't deal with. I'm very thankful for them. I love them and love that they love my children.

2. I'm blessed by Lynn H. I work with her, and she took the time to have her mentally handicapped students write thank you notes to me for coming back to school second semester. Their sentences spelled out how much they missed me. On a day when I can barely imagine leaving my little girl with the babysitter and am in tears over it, I got the letters from Kelcy and John and MicKinzie and others. My tears changed their origin. I'm blessed that Lynn would take the time to do that and that their loving little hearts thought through it all and wanted to tell me those things. I wrote them a note back, and I think I'll keep my letters from them as a reminder of why I teach.

3. I have wonderful children. They were so good tonight. They didn't argue with me when I gave them instructions. They are so loving. They just want me to be with them. When is the last time someone just truly wanted to be with me? For no other reason than that they love me....I have 5 little ones that do that for me every day. Forgive me God, when I fail to see them like You do.

Attack of the chickens

2008-11-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

Please pray that Evan does not have chicken pox. What would I do with a 3 week old with chicken pox? Evan held Maya all evening last night BEFORE telling me he had something all over him. He goes to the doctor tomorrow morning.

More pictures

2008-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

I had my first near melt down today. Gabriel is having diahreah, and Maya was screaming and wet from her bath. Gabe ran in to tell me it was dripping down his leg....not a pretty sight!! Anyway, I about lost it, but I didn't yell, so I feel pretty good about what could have happened.

I'm sure there will be many more times I will feel like screaming, but I hope with God's guidance and strength I will refrain. Here are some more pictures. I just love these!

Her dr appointment went well this week. She is now 8 lb. 1 oz. Her height is in the 75th percentile, her weight in the 45th, and her head circumference in the 25th. She has reflux, which is causing some icky tummy aches, but the meds have helped the vomiting. Please pray that she gets over the tummy stuff so we both can sleep better!! Thanks!

Introducing Maya Hope Monize

2008-11-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

Maya Hope was born a few days earlier than expected. She was supposed to share a birthday with Grandma Teresa on the 5th, but she decided to make her debut a little sooner. Mommy went in to labor on Sunday evening. Here is the information.

Maya Hope Monize
Born Monday, November 3, 2008 at 5:47 P.M.
7 pounds 14 ounces
21 inches long

Of course, we are all completely in love. :)

Halloween 2008

2008-11-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

They were so cute! First a picture of the whole crew.

Then Luke in his "old fat man" get up.

Then Drew, the werewolf.

Next is Evan the ninja. (He was a ninja turtle the last two years...do we see a theme???)

And last we have Gabriel, the cowboy.

Yeehaw!!!!!

Hope your time with family was enjoyable, too!

HA!

2008-10-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this blog entry. Check the date.

October 08, 2007

Well, I'm proud to announce that with the exception of night time, my family is now 100% DIAPER FREE! :) Way to go, Gabriel! His 3rd birthday is October 21.

Funny, we made it for just over a year! :) Back to the beginning!

Funny Table Talk

2008-10-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

At dinner tonight....not sure how the conversation turned to shapes, but it did.

Evan: I like stars. They are my favorite shapes. This seed (found in his apple pear) looks like a star.
Drew: My favorite shape is a heart because I love Mommy. (awwwwwww)
Gabe: My favorite shape is a Bubby (what all three of them call Luke, the oldest).

Laughter......

Drew: Bubby is not a shape. He's a people.

More laughter.....

Luke: That doesn't even make sense. I'm not a people. I'm a person.

I love the way their minds work.

Summer 2008 Pictures - I'm a little late...sorry

2008-10-26T22:14:00.001-07:00

Before you get started, be sure to notice there is another post after this with pictures from this evening's Halloween Pumpkin Carving Event at the Monize household. There are so many pictures here, I don't want you to miss the second entry! :)

Ok, so our vacation was in July. I'm sorry. These are of a trip we took to see my mom and her husband, Jon, in Montana.

These are all pictures of us in the van or on our way, stopping at Mount Rushmore. Let me tell you, it's one of those places where you say, "Ok I've been there." But it's a lot of drive to see a big rock. You look at it, take pictures for 5 minutes and load back up in the van...still, the kids can say they have been there.

The first day we got there, the kids, Chad, and I were amazed at where my mom actually lives. The view is breathtaking. The following pictures were taken from her back deck or yard. The kids especially got a kick out of riding the four-wheelers. We did that almost every day with them...and yes, we drove up some of the mountains you may see in the pictures. It was a blast. I took the slower of the 2 that they own, and the kids were just as happy to let me drive them more carefully (since I was/am pregnant). It was a lot of fun!!

One of the highlights of our trip was our trip to Yellowstone National Park. We saw so much wildlife, but my camera ran out of batteries!! THAT was frustrating. We saw a few female moose, tons of buffalo and elk and antelope, a few eagles, and 2 grizzly bears. The grizzlies were the highlight!! Evan got so scared, he hid under his seat in the van. Among the wildlife at Yellowstone, the boys went on a hike with Jon to get some energy out. The hike seemed to take forever. Mom and I waited for them back at the van. Anyway, along the way, they saw an elk carcas. They were pretty fired up to see those elk bones. They also got to see stinky geysers, too. We saw Old Faithful. It was like Mount Rushmore. You get all hyped up, it erupts, and then you turn around and walk away. But you can say you've seen it. They had a much better time seeing the animals in the park. Drew was the best. He would get out the map and look at the back of it where the animals were listed by pictures and labels that you might be able to find in the park. He'd pretend he had a pencil in his hand and talk in his tour guide voice and say, "Elk? Check. Antelope? Check. Chipmunk? Check. Buffalo? Check. Grizzly Bear? Check." With each "check" he would act as if the imaginary pencil was crossing it off the list. It was cute.

Another fun activity was swimming in their lakes. The water was ICY!!! But the sun was hot, so it was a weird combination. The kids would freeze in the water but if you stayed out of it, you were too hot. Anyway, they got a kick out of swimming in lakes. One was near the Grand Tetons...and Jon and Chad got a kick out of teaching my little guy what the Tetons could represent. Every time they'd mention the Grand Tetons, Gabriel would shout "BOOBIES!!!" I was embarrassed, Daddy was impressed. I think he may have forgotten about it all by now. Let's hope!

And then there was Bear Tooth Pass or "Top of the World." It is the highest point in Montana. You wind up this path all the way to the top of this mountain. It's breathtaking. Pictures cannot do it justice. I could have gone there every day. We saw a billy goat the first time we went up, but it was night time, so I didn't have my camera out at all. He jumped over the railing pretty quickly, too, so I don't think I would have gotten a shot if I had had it out. The last trip there, the boys got out and wrote their names in the snow. Again, the view was more than amazing. I wish I could capture it on film. These just aren't quite good enough.

Another fun family time this summer was when Todd and Micah brought Grace home for her first birthday. I know they posted pictures of her on their site, but we have a few, so I'll post them, too. She was really cute opening her presents and eating that cake. We enjoyed her party.

These pictures are of the boys on their first day of school. I hate that I miss taking them every year. Our school system starts the same time the one I work for does, and I hate to miss the first day or so...anyway, Chad got to take them and get pictures.

Halloween Fun

2008-10-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

Probably my favorite thing that Chad does with our children is his yearly quest to carve pumpkins. I love it. It makes them happy, they get gooey, they love the process...the planning, the scraping, the cutting, the goo, the tongues sticking out as they concentrate....and finally the finished product. Enjoy the pictures!

First we have Drew. There are many more pictures of him because he started first and the other boys had not come in from playing outside yet. Drew's masterpiece ended up being a carving of a "Ghostly Guest."

The next to start was Luke. His carving was of a mouse. I'm not sure why he chose the mouse, but he did. He did a good job. His was a little more intricate than the others.

Next was Evan. He decided that his pumpkin would last longer if he didn't carve it. So he chose to trace a carving on and color it with markers. Smart thinking.

Finally, little Gabriel took his turn. He waited so patiently. I wish I would have gotten a picture of him crying because he was gooey. I think of those things too late. Anyway, he got to the scraping part, and he was not impressed with the goo. He kept flipping it off his hands, which flipped it all over the kitchen and anyone within range! His ended up very nice, though. He chose to have Daddy help him carve a Kitty Cat.

A New Perspective

2008-10-24T17:54:00.001-07:00

I've been sitting here checking out my facebook and myspace pages...checking in on some friends and such. All the while, I'm contemplating, reflecting, thinking...then it hit me.

I think I've been looking at these last days of pregnancy all wrong.

All I have been able to think about has been how much I want to see my little girl, how much I want her out of my body, how much better life would be if she were just here, how much I hate my bladder being used for a punching bag. It just hit me a while ago, though.

This is it.

It's no secret with the amount of children we have, that I must enjoy being a mommy. That, or I'm a glutton for punishment. I joke about them being hard to deal with or crazy or "just like their dad" or whatever the case may be, but I am truly blessed. And I don't completely mean I'm blessed because I have healthy wonderful children, although that is certainly true.

I'm blessed because I have had the joy of feeling a life grow inside of me. I have felt the kicks, the hiccups, the flutters. I love that part. Ok, so the last few weeks are uncomfortable? The rest of it is...well, words cannot describe it. If you are a mom, you know.

It's more than just becoming a mom. It's becoming that irrefutable proof that God has created a MIRACLE inside of you. He's taken two people and created a new one. He's proven that He is Creator, Holy, Good, Sovereign, Generous...

I am blessed. I love this child. I love her for who she is and who she will be and who she never will be. I love the God who created her and gave her to me for a while to nurture and discipline and teach.

It's true that contractions hurt and that I'm tired. But in the big picture, I'm just so overwhelmed and thankful that God has entrusted me with one more.

God, You know I'm ready. You also know when little Maya is ready. I trust You that You'll allow her to come at the perfect time. I am so very grateful to be Your servant once again in this capacity. Don't ever let me forget that my children are gifts on loan from You for a short time. Help me to take the responsibilities that come with them seriously, and help me to teach them to be as much like You as they can be. God, I love You. I'm humbled by my blessings. I want to be the wife and mother that You want me to be. Guide me in that direction. I pray this in Your beautiful name, Amen.

Visit www.3dailygifts.blogspot.com for my reminders of God's great blessings each day.

False Alarm #2

2008-10-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

Although I didn't head in to the hospital - a little gun shy, I guess - last night was a doozy. I slept very little again. The contractions were so painful that a few made me actually cry. I really thought it was going to happen. Apparently, she's still not ready. I'm getting closer, I know...and I know I'm not giving birth to a two-year-old. She WILL come out, but it's so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel when you are so uncomfortable. Today has been better...but prayers are appreciated.

False Alarm & A Birthday Party

2008-10-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's like the doctor said..."Every time you're close to delivery, it's as if your body WANTS to go in to labor. You just can't get it done."

Without going in to ALL the sordid details, I will say that Friday night was painful and long. At about midnight (which is when I went to bed), I started contracting. At 1 AM, I was having them every 8 minutes. Chad was still up playing Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii (as he is even now...and every night). I walked out and said, "Let's go." He asked what I meant. I told him what was happening, and he said I needed to call the hospital first. I said that I would call on the way there. (After talking in the last few doctor's appointments to the nurse practitioner and to the doctor himself, he said if I had a night like that one again I should just go on in to the hospital to be checked. Better safe than sorry.)

Well, here's the bottom line. I contracted until 6 or 6:30 AM and stayed at 3 minutes apart (which is what I was when I got to the hospital) the entire time. I won't say that ALL of them were excruciating, but I will say that at least every other one could have doubled me over. They hurt! HOWEVER, I was 36 weeks and 6 days. Apparently "full term" isn't until 37 weeks. Had this happened one day later, I would have had a better chance of having him deliver Maya, but that wasn't 100% guaranteed. There was one other factor that needed to be a little more aggressive besides it needing to be one more day!!! (Again, I'm sparing you the sordid details on a public blog, here!)

So, a defeated but somewhat unsurprised me left the hospital at about 11:30 AM Saturday morning. Like I said, everytime I get close to labor, I have false alarms. It's kind of discouraging. Anyway. we made it back for the boys' flag football tournament's final half of their third game. They were upset to have lost, and I hated to miss it...but I needed to go in.

ON ANOTHER NOTE...

Gabriel had his 4th birthday party today. It went well. His actual birthday is on Tuesday, the 21st. But being the absent-minded pregnant person that I am, I took absolutely NO pictures. What kind of mother am I? I can't believe it. I thought about it once before everyone got there, but the thought obviously escaped me. So I apologize to anyone who wouldn't have enjoyed pictures - and to Gabriel for having nothing to show for it.

He enjoyed the party, though. His little "thank you's" to grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles, were so innocent and pure. Cute stuff! Gotta love him!

I am predicting that Maya will share a birthday with Gabriel. Maybe it's just wishful thinking... We'll have to wait and see.

Highlights and such from this week

2008-10-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

I've done nothing ... except contract. ICK.

The bunny died. Luke was devastated. When he found her in the process of dying, he started screaming and running and crying. It was horrifying.

Evan discovered the wonder of chapstick.

Drew listened really well last night.

Gabriel still has a black eye, loved his field trip to the pumpkin patch yesterday with preschool.

Chad started making appointments for his new job. He's already booked through next week.

Maya still continues to bake, but this is no easy bake oven. I think light bulb is about to go out.

Went to the hospital a few different times for different reasons this week (to visit Chad's dad, an EMT, and to my dr. appointment). Gabriel asked each time if Pappaw Bob was still there. Then when I explained again that he was in heaven, he asked why. I told him it was because Jesus couldn't stand for my dad to be away from him any more, so Jesus had to come and get him. How do you explain to a 3 (almost 4) year old? You do the best you can I guess.

Feeling the twinge of sadness at the thought of my dad not being there to see Maya. I've done well stifling that for a while, but yesterday and today it seems to be pressing on me. I know he'll "be there" but he won't really be there...I see pictures of people with their fathers or hear conversations between a daughter and her dad, and although they aren't daggers anymore (thank GOD), the sharp little needle pricks that sting when I realize I don't have that anymore are still there. Imagine they always will be.

I just miss him.

Poor Gabe/Pregnancy Update

2008-10-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

Seems Gabriel had the intention to dive into his father's legs to tackle him last night. Chad just stood there, but Gabriel's aim was slightly off....he went eye-first in to the end table beside Chad. Instantly puffy and discolored. The picture won't do it justice, but it will give you some indication. Poor guy shook/shivered while he cried. He was really hurting. He even asked if when he took a bath someone would hold the ice on his eye.

Of course, Daddy's proud of the shiner. Mommy wanted the pain to go away. (Oh, and did I mention that church directory pictures are coming up? Let's hope it doesn't look like we beat our children in it.)

And now for the pregnancy update:
I'd do the cute thing and take a profile viewed picture of my humongous belly and post it...but frankly, there is nothing cute about it.

I am officially on pregnancy leave - with no baby. How not fun is that??? The only thing I can say about being on leave is that it has given me and Gabriel some great bonding time. He feels like such a big boy when he gets to sort baby clothes by size so I can launder them....and I have to admit, it helps my ego out a little when he asks every night what he's doing the next day. No matter whether my answer is "staying home with Mommy" or going to preschool, he shouts out a cute little "YAY!" We've been working on writing the letters in his name. So far G is the easiest. It looks more like a 6, but I'll take it.

Maya Hope's room is well on its way to being finished. There are a few finishing touches I'm waiting on. If you know anyone who wants to get rid of a glider/rocker in good condition and for little money, please let me know! I'd like one for her room. When I get it finished, I'll try to get some pictures up for the family in states that start with "M"! :)

My preganancy leave was highly suggested by my OB. There were some MINOR issues that I felt were more minor than he did, apparently. Either way, I'm resting as much as a mother of 4 (and soon 5) can.

I did have another ultrasound, and Maya STILL is just one baby, and she STILL is a girl!! Thank GOD! For those of you who keep swearing there's one hiding in there, you are wrong!!!! :)

I have contractions every day. Apparently not big enough to warrant any action from the doctor since she's still in there baking away. I have gotten to 3 - 5 minutes apart with some pretty hefty discomfort, but as the Nurse Practitioner said at my last visit, "Braxton Hicks can be deceiving..." yada yada yada...

I'm just ready to hold her. I made the mistake of watching "Baby Story" and a few other shows in that genre yesterday. It was emotional. I kept talking to her through the show. "If you just come out, I can hold you like that...See, Maya, it's not so bad on the outside..." Didn't work.

Chad's new job is headed in the right direction, although you might say a prayer or two on his behalf. He was gone for a week of training, and I was just SURE I'd head in to labor while he was gone and he'd miss it. Of course, he's home now, and she's not...He's got another short week (3 days I think) of training he has to do by the end of the year where he leaves me again. They wanted him to go November 10. Her c-section is scheduled for the 5th. So if she is not early, she could potentially have been 5 days old and he would have to leave. He told them no on that one, and he acted like they understood. Either way, she may only be a month old if he has to do it by the end of the year. It's not good timing, but I made it through a week with 4 boys, so 3 days with 5 children should be okay, right??? And I had some great friends bring me some yummy meals last week. I have to say I will dread having to cook again starting tommorrow!!

Well, I guess that is about it.

Hoping the next time I update this thing I have pics of the nursery or a baby or BOTH! :) God bless!

ER visit # 302397598039725....

2008-09-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a phone call today at 10:15 from the school nurse. Drew had been playing soccer at recess (which fuel's Chad's argument for soccer being evil/stupid/insert derogatory adjective here) and he tripped over another boy's feet. He planted his face nose first into the pavement. Apparently Kindergartners play soccer on pavement and not grass.

The nurse said it never bled but was pretty banged up and that there was a protrusion on his left side. That can't be good.

I was fine letting the people know that I had to leave...for about 3 or 4 people. Then, my hormones/protective mommy feelings kicked in and in the midst of 400 4th and 5th graders who were moving after ISTEP testing, I lost it. I'm standing in the middle of the hallway among all of them crying with my friends about how I just want to get out of the hallway so I can go get my son and they haven't found a sub yet, etc. Completely hormonal, I'm sure.

All I could think about was Drew's little face all black and blue and surgery and setting the nose and blood...I know, the nurse said "no blood" but remember I'm hormonal. PLUS the last time I got a phone call about a broken nose/face was Chad's pitching debut which left him with a titanium cranium! My experience with facial injuries is not pleasant.

Anyway, I left without the sub there (too bad!) and went to rescue my son, whom I predicted needed his mommy very very badly. I drove as calmly as I could, and I really did pretty well with this. I think my top speed was 62. REALLY! When I got to the school, I went to the nurse's office where he was sitting on the cot smiling away. No blood. No tears. No trauma to say the least. The end of his nose was slightly red where it has small scratches/scrapes from the pavement. That was it. First words out of his mouth?? "I'm hungry. When are we eating?"

Instantly I felt silly for jumping to the conclusion that his hair would be shaved off from the numerous reconstructive surgeries he would need to look normal and that he would finally find a girl who would love him for the inside and not his mangled face. Ok...I exaggerate a little. Just in efforts to poke fun at myself!

Anyway, the nurse encouraged me to take him to be seen in the ER so that an xray could determine how badly he was injured because he did have that bump on one side and it was difficult for him to breathe. So, we did.

Turns out there was a small break. Must have been tiny because Drew didn't even have to have it set. The only thing the ER dr said was that if he continued having trouble breathing in a few days and the swelling had gone down (what little there was) that he should go see an ENT to determine if he needed further treatment.

I'm pretty sure that won't happen since he was playing football tonight with his dad, brothers, and cousin.

Heavenly Football

2008-08-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me or spends time with me will realize that of all sports, football is by far my favorite. I can't wait for the boys to play. I love it! I am in two fantasy football leagues and have been known to play 4 in a year, but cut back because of the baby coming this year.

The start of school and the hoopla on the news over the new Lucas Oil Stadium gets my family excited. We're devout Bears fans and devout Colts fans. I bleed blue and orange!

Luke has been wanting to play football at recess at school. I noticed one day last week that he had been taking his football that my dad gave him to school. I didn't say anything at the time because I wanted to think it over. The opportunity presented itself a few nights later when he had it out and announced he was going to put it back in his backpack for the next day's recess. I began talking to him about the significance of that football. It was the one Pappaw Bob had to play with him. It was the one that was very special. His brothers don't have one from Pappaw, but he does. Etc. My final statement produced silence in the room (a pretty significant accomplishment in my house). "Luke, that's the last football Pappaw will ever give you. If you lose it, it will be gone."

He paused.

His reply stunned me...made me proud...choked me up...it was utterly amazing for an 8 year old boy.

"Maybe not," he said. "Maybe the next one will be gold."

I just want to go see this guy!

2008-08-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

THIS is worship!

Leaving on a jet plane...

2008-07-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

...ok, so it's not a jet plane, and it's not even a train. We're leaving, though, to go to Montana in a rental van tomorrow. Don't know how much I'll blog...we'll be gone for 2 weeks. Should have some pictures when I get back.

Why Montana and not Florida? or someplace else exotic? My mom lives in Montana.

Pray for our 30-ish hour drives to and from!! :) The boys ought to be good and SICK of the van by about Illinois!

PINK!

2008-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

So my husband suprised me by painting the baby's room without me asking him to do it. I had already bought the paint, but we had to move Gabriel and Luke out of the room before we could start her room. So Maya's room now has freshly painted walls, a crib, and a dresser. I've ordered some things and they have shipped...but I'm doing it in small increments since we're starting over on the nursery department. We got rid of everything for babies after Gabriel because Chad was very adamant that he didn't want any more children. His change of mind means it's back to Babies R Us for us! It's exciting but a little expensive when you have to start completely over. We're working on it slowly. I try to buy wipes or diapers each trip to the grocery store...or lotion or baby spoons or something like that to get a small supply going. I realize we may get some things but without another all-out shower, we're going to have to chip away at this. It's okay, though because after 4 boys used our things, buying new would have been necessary (or borrowing) anyway on some items.

Anyway, back to the original intent of this post. I am excited that it is started, but you'll have to wait for pictures until it is finished I think. I want you to see the whole room as I envision it. And I have to say...

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE FUN FOR A GIRL!!!!!!! :)

Wall-E review

2008-07-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm exhausted so I'll keep it relatively short.

I took the kids to see Pixar's new movie, Wall-E. It's...er...well...uh...okay at best. There were some funny moments, and the "message" was clear: We are a fat, dumb, lazy society that relies upon technology way too much, live in an overly comsumable world, and if we don't watch it, we're going to end up destroying our planet and too fat to walk.

Literally, the "hero" who saves the day at the end has to get up out of his hover chair and (*gasp*) walk.

My kids didn't really get the message but enjoyed the slapstick-like humor. There is a strong romantic element, as far as children's movies go. Girls may get more out of that than my 4 boys.

On the up side, there were no cuss words and no "near-cuss" words that I recall whatsoever. This didn't have the recent near-cussing like referencing the "Piston Cup" and using the phrase "What the --- ?" which has become so common. It was extremely kid-friendly in that regard.

I guess I'm just a little more optimistic than this movie wanted me to be. For instance, I love my internet and my cell, but I'm not so focused on techno-advances that I am entranced in a hover chair with a virtual screen in front of me - to the point that when it gets unexpectedly shut off I don't wake up from a trance. I don't eat every meal from a cup.

Some of it was a little too out there for me. I'll take good ol' movies like "Aladdin," "The Fox and the Hound," and "The Lion King." Thank you.

Right now

2008-07-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

Right I'm takinga break from painting the room Luke and Gabriel are moving in to. I'm moving more slowly than I want, but it's going to get done.

I write because I am hearing the most amazing thing right now. The 3 younger boys are at the babysitter's house. Luke has been laboring with me today - buying paint, taping off windows and doors, taking off light switch plates, etc. Since I'm tiring fast, I am taking the break to check email quickly, but I hear him in the other room singing at the top of his lungs. I gave him my old MP3 player today. He's going to town!

Everyday a brand new chance to say,
"Jesus you are the only way!"
My Savior
My Savior lives

(mumble mumble)
My Savior
My Savior lives!

He doesn't care about the mumbles...but he's singing his heart out. It's so cool to hear!

Well, back to the painting for now.

It was a good break.

Today

2008-06-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

My last post said I had MUCH MUCH more time to sleep than I actually did. I think I looked at the clock wrong. I ended up with a whopping 2 HOURS of sleep last night. Still got up and got to church early...and didn't sleep through the service!! Still went to the small group picnic at the park...came home and CRASHED before heading back to church for a rehearsal. It was a lot in a day, it seemed, but that was probably compounded by how tired I was.

Anyway, I had a good long talk with a good friend until Gabriel punched Drew in the face and bloodied his mouth and lips and I had to go. That's right. I said GABRIEL punched Drew. "He's so sweet" and "He's so quiet" you all say. I keep telling you he has his moments. They are coming more often now. *sigh*

Now all is quiet again. Silence is golden. There's a lot of reward in "being still." I think God knew what He was doing when He told us to do it.

Clarity is so much easier to attain when it's just you and God. Focusing on God - no distractions. No noise. No interruptions. No referree-ing.

I'm thankful for the moment. I'm glad I had time to reflect on the conversations of the day and sort them out in my head...to try to make sense of the hard things.

On a side note, my brother and his family should be home tomorrow night, I'm guessing!! I can't wait to get pictures with them and hold that beautiful baby girl. I can't believe she is almost a year old. I can't believe what else all that means...but I won't get in to that now. Another post. Beware of July's posts...just a warning. It's not a month I really ever want to live through again. Painful anniversaries.

But I digress. Good night for now. Have a great week!

2008-06-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are up for a good several hours of AMAZING READING - about faith in the midst of a storm that I cannot begin to fathom - check out www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com and on the left hand side, click the link to start from the beginning. I seriously just lost half a night's sleep...but seeing God work in the life of a mother among those curcumstances makes me truly grateful for what I have.

My face is streaked with tears, my pajamas are soaked around the sleeves from wiping the streams away, and I have to get up in like 3 and a half hours...but wow...to see God work!

So I'm 21 weeks now...thought I'd give you an update on the baby.

2008-06-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

20 WEEKS

The baby is about 7-1/2 inches from head to rump, has fingerprints and perhaps some head and body hair, weighing about one pound (16 ounces).
The baby may suck thumb and is more active.
Time of extremely rapid brain growth.
Fetal heartbeat can be heard with a stethoscope.
The kidneys are starting to work.
There is little chance that a baby could survive outside the woman’s body.

22 WEEKS

The baby is about 8-1/4 to 8-1/2 inches from head to rump and weighs about 1-1/4 pounds.
Bones of the ears harden making sound conduction possible. Baby hears mother’s sounds such as breathing, heartbeat and voice.
The first layers of fat are beginning to form.
This is the beginning of substantial weight gain for the baby.
Changes are occurring in lung development so that some babies are able to survive (with intensive care services).
Surviving babies may have disabilities and require long-term intensive care.

It was interesting to me that the website I got this from called the baby a "fetus" until 22 weeks. At 22 weeks, the descriptions used both words. I changed where the word appeared as "fetus" to "baby" because I believe from the moment of conception, this is a life...a baby...a person. Stop abortion. Vote that way. If a presidential candidate doesn't believe there is value to human life, how in the world do you expect him to value you? Ok...this post went places I didn't expect, but so be it. I wish there was a good candidate this year...vote for the lesser of two evils - if for nothing else than a baby's right to life.

CHAD PASSED HIS TEST ON THE 1ST TRY!

2008-06-28T23:09:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all who prayed. Sorry - I didn't tell you what it is for. I would say he's experiencing....college....to say it as simply as I can. This company has hired him to become a financial advisor. When he is finished with the schooling, he will be able to work in any financial environment in the US. He would have to reapply and pay a fee to get a license outside of IN. Anyway, this was the first of (I think) 3 tests. He had like 10 days to study for this one. The next one he has like 6 weeks. This one is a big one. I'm not sure of the timeline. Anyway, they hired him to study. And the study pay was DOUBLE what he was making at his old job. We're excited for his success so far. Keep praying. He's got some stress coming up. He will be expected to study anywhere between 8 - 12 hours a day for the next 6 weeks. It's intense...but I have confidence.

testing testing 1 2 3

2008-06-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Please pray for Chad. Tomorrow he takes his first recorded test (the others he has done were practice tests). If he passes this one, he can get started on the real stuff. If he doesn't pass, he has to pay to take it again. He has to get 70% or higher!! His practice tests are usually over the mark! Thanks!

Gabriel

2008-06-23T18:44:00.001-07:00

1. Why does Gabriel insist on wearing his underwear backwards? Could it be that he just wants to see the bigger picture?

2. Gabriel has worn the same size of clothes for two years, pretty much. Chad asked him a while back when he was going to start growing. He answered, "On Friday." Now it's a family joke.

3. He came out after his bath, underwear on backwards, pajamas in hand. Gabriel asked me to button his shirt. As I did, I told him he was going to have to learn to button his own shirt. His answer, as if it was related... "You need to make a bigger house 'cause I'm gonna grow."

4. He told me the other day that he needed to tell me a secret. He pulled my hair aside to expose my ear, got as close to it as he could, and in a very loud whisper, he said, "You're the best mommy ever in the whole wide world." Score a few brownie points for the three-year-old.

5. The other day I was talking to him explaining that he needed to practice being nice to his brothers because soon he would have a little sister and he would be a big brother. If he practiced being nice to them, it would be easier for him to be nice to the baby...etc. Evan started chiming in with his parent-like voice, but before he got 3 words out, Gabriel yelled, "Hey! It's MY baby sister. Me and Mommy's! 'Cause I picked her out!" We'll see if he is so excited about her in a few years.

5th time's the charm!

2008-06-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

WE ARE HAVING A BABY GIRL!!!!!

We found out this morning. No beating around the bush here. God is good, all the time! She was being modest and we almost had to leave without knowing...but she finally decided to let us know! :)

I went straight from my doctor's appointment to Kohl's and stocked up on some PINK outfits! :) (and purple...and...)

HALLELUJAH! We're so happy! The boys are happy! Everyone is happy! It's nice.

love and marriage....

2008-06-13T11:54:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna get mushy...so if you don't wanna read it...then go on. :)

I'm married to a pretty great guy. We have our differences, our disagreements, our moments....our discussions...but all in all, I didn't do half bad.

It's no secret that I put my own father up on a pedestal - one he most certainly wouldn't think he deserved, and it's probably no secret that there is no perfect dad or husband. Despite all that, I'm pretty sure that I have just the dad I need for my growing boys (plus one).

Yesterday was fine, but last night was a different story. Dealing with Dad's birthday was okay when I was busy during the day, but the moment the busyness ceased and my mind had time to catch up, it wasn't long before I had one of the biggest cries I've had in a long time. I predict the same for Sunday (Father's Day) as well. But the minute Chad saw the flood gates open, he dropped what he was concerned about and came to listen. He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. He just listened and tried to understand my blubbering. It was what I needed. Then when he saw my emotions were affecting Luke's, he swept in to Luke's rescue, too. "A little daddy time" (translation - fishing time on the boat) was exactly what Luke needed to get him back on track.

So, for yesterday, the Super Dad Award goes to:

Birthdays in Heaven

2008-06-11T12:08:00.001-07:00

Another interesting conversation again yesterday. You see, tomorrow would have been my dad's 55th birthday, if pancreatic cancer didn't exist.

We happened to drive past his grave site, which is very visible from the road. The boys asked me something about him, and his birthday came up. I said that this Thursday would have been his birthday. This prompted the usual questions regarding a birthday..."How old..." "Does Heaven have birthday cakes?" "Will Pappaw have a party in heaven?" Of course, I stumbled through my best-guessed answers. Their questions are starting to conjure up answers that seem to come to me through a blanket of numbness now.

But Evan and Drew snapped me right out of it.

Drew asked me about whether or not Dad would have a party in Heaven. Before I could really answer, Evan said he was SURE Jesus would know when Pappaw's birthday was. It was as if he couldn't imagine a birthday without balloons, noise makers, cake, and ice cream -- and whether you were on earth or in Heaven, birthdays were a constant. A given. (The "given" comment is for you, Dad.)

Evan's faith and innocence never cease to amaze me, but the real kicker was Drew's next question. "Mommy, do you think God could send us down a picture of the party?"

How I wish it worked that way.

What does God teach in Heaven?

2008-06-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

After a pretty decent storm tonight with winds at 85 mph, we went to town to get some ice cream. On the way home we saw this amazing rainbow. The coolest part about the rainbow was the further we drove the more we could see of it.

Evan began talking about the true meaning behind the rainbow...that it was God's promise never to destroy the earth again by flood.

The more we drove, the bigger it got. The bigger the rainbow seemed, Evan said louder and louder, "That is a HUGE promise!" I was proud of them recalling the true meaning, but I got tickled at the inflection in his voice.

It wasn't long before little Gabriel was imitating in his tiny 3-year-old voice, "That is a HUGE promise!" He repeated it over and over...the farther we drove. I really wish now I would have recorded it on my cell phone, but I didn't think of it until after he had stopped.

As we pulled in our driveway, Chad was talking about God making rainbows and painting a picture for us all to see just then. I was headed toward the door when I heard Evan say behind me, "I bet Jesus taught Pappaw Bob how to make rainbows." When I turned around with one foot in the door to the house and the other still outside, my eyes met Chad's. I think this was the single most sweetest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

I can't imagine what all we'll know in heaven, but I think I'm gonna be sure to ask how to make a rainbow when I get there.

Long overdue

2008-06-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

I know I promised to catch you all up...well...hold on to your seats! It's been a while, but I FINALLY have posted things I have meant to post in the past month or so. Ok...maybe longer. Either way, I hope you enjoy the many pictures! :)

Preschool Graduation for Drew and Evan

2008-06-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

Evan giving the thumbs up!

Drew and Evan had a part of retelling the "Creation Story" in Genesis. This picture is of all the boys and girls standing up there ready to say their brief line. It was great.

Drew getting his diploma from the preschool director.

Evan getting his diploma.

I know it was not Gabriel's graduation...but how can you resist posting a picture a cute as THIS??

Bowling pics - we went with friends several months ago

2008-06-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

The reason I rarely see my husband...

2008-06-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

These days you can bet when you see Chad driving down the road, his newest toy is attached right behind him. He basically hauls it every where...to work, to Kokomo, everywhere----on the off chance he gets the "hankerin' to go fishin'." This was the first time the family went entirely together. It was still pretty chilly, but we had a good time.

"Make a fish face!"

Spring Break Trip to Chicago - Shedd Aquarium

2008-06-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

I know this one is long overdue since our spring break was the first week of April...but better late than never. We took the kids to Shedd Aquarium. Some highlights from the trip. The picture of the kids in the bed isn't the best but it was sure funny to see all four of them snuggle together in the hotel room. Other pictures from the Aquarium and us goofing around.

Luke's baseball season

2008-06-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

Luke's season is coming to an end. He has proved himself quite the little athlete. I know I'm Mom, but he is pretty talented when he can keep his emotions in check. If he gets upset, it's hard for him to refocus. But he's done a very good job this year. He has played the pitcher for his team, the A's. One of his best friends, Eli, is 1st baseman, and they make a great duo! (I'll be sure to get some pictures of Drew and Evan on soon. They are in T-Ball.)

Luke running to grab the ball.

Showing off his batting stance. He usually hits REALLY well.

This was him sliding in to 2nd after a great hit over the entire infield. He made a double out of it and batted 2 players in! It was a great moment!! I'm not sure which parent (or grandparent) was more proud!

Luke in mid-catch as the team all rushes to grab the ball. It was pretty sweet...

Jack the Dog

2008-05-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Since my last "real" post a lot has happened. I will do my best to catch you up without making it excruciatingly long to read!

Long story short:
"Jack," named by my son, Drew, was the perfect stray...as far as strays go. Not having really lived in the country before, I was a little unsure how this process worked. I was a little concerned the first time the kids noticed our "new dog" as they called it. I warned them about not running up on a strange dog. As "Jack" laid next to Bo, our beloved and sneaky and magical dog...if you know him, you understand that description...I walked cautiously to see him. The boys were anxious to greet and play, but stayed behind me. Jack loved me. He loved my kids. My anxiety was not warranted. Until Chad got home.

Chad's presence brought the showing of teeth, and even a nasty (and eventually infected) bite to the hand. Well, from that moment, Chad hated the dog, of course. His hatred met opposition from my children. Jack was smaller and a little easier to play with than Bo.

Well, after several near-bites and growls and unpleasant welcomes to any male who approached our house, Chad and our friend, Tom took matters in to their own hands. My morbid curiosity got the best of me, and I had to watch the dog go down for some reason. I stood in the kitchen watching out the window as the first shot fired. He got it in the chest. He laid down....tail still wagging. That made me instantly feel horrible about having to put him down. It took a few more shots...the kids came running...I went out to shoo them away...saw things I never really wanted to see...but again, curiosity.

At least our friends and my husband are safe again from the animal. It just would have been easier if Jack would have been mean to us all.

Oh my...time flies...

2008-05-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I haven't posted in almost a month!!
I hope to blog again next week - WHEN I'M OUT OF SCHOOL!! I teach only 4 more days!! :)
Please don't give up on me! Check back next week! I'm trying....

Good friends

2008-04-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

When you have good friends, they should know it. Tom, Tanya. Thank you. I love you. You guys are awesome, and I don't know what I would be like at this point in my life without you. You are so quick to help, so helpful at identifying what I need to hear and saying it at the perfect time....it's like you are in my head.

Tom, what you said yesterday stuck with me. Thanks.

Tanya, you make me feel normal! :)

I hope I can be half as good a friend to you all as you are to me.

Seriously, I appreciate you so much. God is good....He sent you guys in to a special place in my heart...just at the right time...He's good all the time.

Trip to the ER

2008-04-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, we've done broken arms, dehydration, RSV, baseball line drives to the temple, and all sorts of other lovely things to land our family members in the ER....but last night I experienced my first trip for stitches - on Gabriel.

Last night was supposed to be smooth - smooth for having a million places to be and only one place I could be. I was supposed to get Drew and Evan to kindergarten round-up, register Gabriel for pre-school at our church, and have my elementary honor choir sing at the art show. The art teacher in my building does SOOO much for me, that I HAVE to help her out this one night a year. It's not that big of a deal, and the kids get free ice cream out of it. We got home after some delays at about 5:15. I was trying to unload my stuff and get Gabriel out of the van when he started pushing me out of the way saying he wanted to close the sliding van door. He has done it a few times with success and caution, so what would it matter? My hands were full anyway. I turned around and started toward the house from our parking spot in the garage, but I stopped in my tracks when I heard my 3 year old screaming bloody murder. When I turned around, I saw fingers stuck in the sliding door and his little arm yanking back to no avail with his eyes desperately seeking my relief. I got there as quickly as I could obviously. Chad had just pulled up from work to hear the screaming. He was there just as I opened the door to release Gabriel who tucked his tiny fingers in his other hand and was screaming "OW OW OW" with huge tears streaming down his sun-kissed cheeks. Chad scooped him up and calmly told me to get ice. Neither one of us really saw blood yet, I don't think.

Chad set him on the counter and asked if he could see his fingers. Gabriel didn't want to untuck them from their safe place, but Chad convinced him calmly that he wouldn't touch it he just wanted to see it. I was filling a sandwich baggie full of crushed ice from the door of the refrigerator when Chad's tone of voice totally changed from comforting and soft to serious and...well, lower. "We're gonna need stitches."

Well Gabriel was still crying. Luke's eyes got about as big as dinner plates and started to fill with tears. Drew and Evan were hovering but not that concerned. My mind went to all of the things we had scheduled. Chad was going to take Drew and Evan to the kindergarten round up. I was taking Luke and Gabriel to his parents' so I could go to the art show and have my kids sing. I was already going to have to miss important things. We had worked it out to get the paperwork for preschool registration so I wouldn't have to be there. He's our 4th to go, so we're pros, after all.

I knew the art show was NOT in my future. The phone rang. I answered to hear Chad's mom start asking me about the crying. I told her as quickly as I could what had happened. She said Tony (her husband and an EMT) was right around the corner at his parent's house. I instantly hung up and scooped up my screaming child who was now yelling, "I don't want to" over and over, put him in the van, told the rest of the kids to get in a vehicle (didn't care which one at this point), and drove to Tony.

He took one look and said, "He's gonna need stitches." He cleaned up the finger and bandaged it really well. It's good to have an EMT in the family - especially with all our boys running around.

I left Luke there with Chad's dad, Chad took the twins to get ready for round-up, and Gabriel and I headed to the ER. I called about a million times trying to get a hold of SOMEONE in my school building to let them know about my little emergency while he screamed....He finally calmed down about half way to Kokomo. From then on out, he was perfect.

I stayed surprisingly calm, and with the exception of the two HUMONGOUS shots to numb his finger, he let the doctors do whatever they wanted without so much as a peep. When he heard there might be a red sucker and ice cream in his future, he was good as gold.

Two stitches and 4 stickers later, he is good as new. Milking it, of course....but I say do it while you can.

License

2008-04-21T20:31:00.001-07:00

My teaching license expires this summer. I have taken the classes to renew it. My grades are now all officially in. Next is the paperwork to renew. Please pray that this process goes smoothly and quickly. I'll be SOOOO glad when it is over.

Follow up from last week

2008-04-21T18:45:00.001-07:00

1. The counselor apologized to Evan the next day.
2. I hit a squirrel on the way to work the next day.

And the hits just keep on comin...

2008-04-17T15:35:00.001-07:00

In reference to post just preceding this one....(if you haven't read it, you really should go back and read it first....) Found out that the cat I hit was a third grade teacher's in my building. Joyful day.

And to top it off, when I picked up the boys from my babysitter's today I found out that one of the other kids had been taunting Evan and coaxing him to fight all morning. (This child was a girl.) He kept telling her he didn't want to wrestle or fight her. She wouldn't let it go, calling him names and such. The babysitter and her two daughters had been all over it...but when they were alone for 2 or 3 minutes outside, Evan had had enough and threw the girl on to the ground where she hit her head on the nearby side walk - leaving a red mark under her eye.

Well, obviously, he should not have reacted to her....and he definitely should not have hurt her - accident or not. When her mother got there to pick her up (this mother just happens to work at my school as well...) she saw her daughter's face and promptly degraded and belittled Evan to the point of bawling. The babysitter was shocked that she acted this way (especially since she is a school COUNSELOR). When I got there, Evan was still crying. And I was about an hour later than her because of a project that I was working on with the art teacher.

She proceded to tell my 5 year old that she would be calling me...I haven't decided if I should let her make that move or if I can speak calmly enough to make that call myself and catch her before she calls...Either way, knowing her, if we don't connect tonight, she will unload on me in her true form, and she won't care who hears. I've decided that if she pushes me after I tell her I don't want to talk about it during school because it is a personal matter that I will let her know that after discussing this with Evan (and Drew, for that matter), that Evan has learned he cannot under any circumstances wrestle with girls. He also cannot play with her little girl for a while - no matter what she says to him. He also should never throw someone on the ground - especially near a side walk or cement. Then I'll be sure to ask her what her precious little girl learned from the situation other than the fact that mommy will fight all battles and belittle anyone - no matter what their age.

Ok. I think I'm going to catch up on laundry and try to relax tonight. Sheesh! What a day! Thank GOD it's almost over!

The one positive note was that I got to arrange my schedule today to come and eat lunch with Luke at school. He has wanted me to do this for several weeks, and I finally had the opportunity to make it happen today. He was excited. I am saddened by the thought that one day he won't want me there...but for now, I am glad to be wanted. He even hugged me in front of his friends!! How long will THAT last?

My morning. Unbelievable.

2008-04-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

You seriously won't believe this.

I need to start by saying that I WAS READY ON TIME TODAY. Gabriel peed his pants before leaving this morning and I almost couldn't find underwear for this child. After ten minutes of searching, I finally found a pair....I'm hoping I pulled it from a clean pile!! :) HA!

So now I'm late and I have a teacher's meeting at 7:40 and breakfast duty at 7:50.

Obviously, I'm driving a little quicker than I need to be...about 5 miles from Maconaquah, I get pulled over. The officer asks if there is any reason for my speedy driving. My answer? "I'm late for work. I have 4 boys. The 3 year old peed his pants, I couldn't find underwear, I'm late for a meeting and breakfast duty. Can we speed this up?" (Ok...looking back I realize my tone may not have been the best. But I'm hormonal..Yeah. We'll blame that.)

He comes back with a ticket for 10 mph an over the speed limit, so he took pity on me there because I was going slightly faster....

I leave, turn down a different road than I'm used to because they are doing some road work. Get up to about 45 mph, a deer darts out in front of me. I knew I was going to hit it. I slammed on my brakes, squeeled tires, slid off the road in to a field where I HIT A CAT. It was a calico. DEAR LORD! CAN THIS GET WORSE?

Yep. Apparently, it can.

I get to school. Go directly to the cafeteria because I had duty. The cafe. Manager had already heard about my ticket because while I was waiting, I had called the school to tell them I was going to be slightly late. She gives me the sympathetic tilt of the head with the courteous smile that you get in these situations as I walk in.

Not even 2 minutes after I'm there, N., the BANE of my existence at school is calling a girl a whore. I looked him square in the eyes and said, "I'm not in the mood for this. You knock it off or get out of my cafeteria." It got quiet around him.

Next thing I know, there is a commotion in line and a cafeteria lady is pulling P.H. (schizophrenic with anger issues) out of line by the arm saying he was "getting physical." GREAT.

The manager and I can't get him calmed down, and he is screaming at me and waving his milk carton like a crazy person. I said we were going to the office to calm down. He said that the principal had told him to go eat breakfast first. He had already been in trouble on the bus....but was to eat before seeing him in the office. I explained that Mr. Baldwin had told him that BEFORE he hit David in the head and kicked him and tried to punch....P.H. wasn't having it.

In my head, I'm thinking, I SHOULD NOT restrain this child since I'm pregnant (Last year he was expelled for attacking his then-pregnant home room teacher), but no one was coming over to help me. I hadn't even set down my keys, sunglasses, and water bottle yet. So I set them on the counter in the kitchen, and I took P.H.'s arm. That MADE HIM MAD. I asked one of the ladies to call the office but there is no phone back there. SERIOUSLY?!?! The cafeteria manager finally came and asked if I needed help. The two of us had to drag/carry P.H. to the office. He tried to hit her, but I had a tight grip on his arm. The worst that would happen was going to be a kick.

Of course when we got to the office, the cries of protest over ME being the one to restrain and drag/carry him up began. My answer? "What was I supposed to do? Kids were in danger! There was no phone close by."

So yeah. I should have stayed in bed. All this happened BEFORE 8:15.

I should say that the cafeteria workers were waiting for me when I finally got back to my classroom a few minutes ago. They said they didn't have any chocolate or candy to make my day better but they did have something for me. I'm notorious for grabbing a few bananas when they serve them. They know how much I love them, so they each pulled a banana out from behind their backs. I have a lovely bunch of them now. Should last me a few days. :)

That's right- your eyes are not deceiving you.

2008-04-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Above, you will notice a countdown. We are officially having our last child in November. We're excited about the opportunity to introduce another child to the love of Jesus Christ....and I will admit, we're very hopeful that this one can be wrapped in pink blankets!! Pray with us! We have decided this is the last child - no matter if we have a girl or we complete our starting five! :)

The first dream

2008-04-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, on Saturday night I had my first Dad Dream. Eh.

Here's what I remember.

I had been on the bus with students and we were all exiting to go back in to the school, which was not the school I currently work at. Nor was it Eastern, however Dad was sitting on a bench in the entry way with the girl who played Ruth in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers that I had seen Saturday night at Eastern....so I know why she was in the dream. When I walked in, I noticed him sitting in casual clothes, shorts, I think. He had shaved his beard. I begged him to do this for years! Finally in my dream, he had, but I said nothing about it. At least, I don't remember saying anything about it.

Across from my dad's bench where he sat next to "Ruth," sat my deceased Aunt Maxine. She died while I was in high school. My great-aunt had a navy blue box with green foam in it. That's all I could see at first glance. I heard her talk about how Dote (this is a lady who knew my other great Aunt Alta from Nebraska and took care of her and Uncle Lester, a jovial man who liked to flirt with the ladies - harmlessly, of course) had mailed this package to Dad and how it was all we had left from my mother. This is when I "remembered" in my dream that my mother had died. And of course, that made me feel horrible. I'm so glad that this part of the dream is NOT true!

Back to the dream...

Dad and Aunt Maxine sat talking, Dad all relaxed and leaned back with his arm on the back of the bench while Aunt Maxine sat prim and proper with her jaw cocked to her right side - a nervous habit I don't think I ever saw her NOT do. They were discussing what to do with the jewelry, which I had seen by then, and it was hideous and avadcado green shaped like insects - cartoonish insects - big ones.

After talking about who they could give these pieces to, including my cousins, friends of the family, and all kinds of acquaintences, they never mentioned me. I began to ask my dad questions. He sat in silence, staring straight ahead. I asked louder about the jewelry. No answer from either of them. I began to be frustrated and annoyed. No matter what I did or said, my dad would not speak to me.

I woke up angry. I laid there for a while recalling more of the dream's sequences and details, like you sometimes do when you wake up disoriented. The longer I laid there, the madder I became that he wouldn't talk to me. Then at the height of how angry I would become, I realized, he wasn't even alive in real life.

When I realized that his silence had made me mad and that he was dead - all over again - I came unglued. Even now it's hard to keep from tearing up. At the time, I wish I could call on Joseph to interpret my dream, but now I realize there is no real reason...I don't put a lot of faith in meaningful dreams - well, maybe only when it suits me...but this one did not.

I was such a mess that I could not stop crying all morning. I finally fell back to sleep...maybe the extra sleep is what I needed.

Making the shift

2008-03-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Making the change from insight broadband to comcast should have been easy, but for some reason, now the only person's login that will get us to the internet is Chad's. I'm the administrator on the computer. I have talked to comcast numerous times. UGH!! I don't understand. Anyone out there in cyberworld know why it would work for him and not for me? It makes no sense to me. The only site I can get to is, get this.... comcast's home page. Dumb, huh? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Oh...and who KNOWS what that did with email addresses!! Why can't companies just stop buying each other out? It would make my life simpler.

Say it isn't so!!

2008-03-07T16:15:00.001-08:00

When Chad got home tonight and told me that his dad (an EMT) had told him that they had started putting up all kinds of signs around the hospital he now works for claiming that Diet Coke could link people to pancreatic cancer, I wanted to believe it was not true. How could something that has given me so many YEARS of delight be truly that bad for me? Then I sat down to the computer and googled it. Here are some links. See for yourself. It's going to be hard, but I think I have to give it up completely. I have been weening my way off of it for a few months because I really have found I like Gatorade's Propel water. But going cold turkey will be difficult. Still, after seeing what my dad went through this summer (especially since now it's a part of my family) I think it's best if I steer clear. You should, too.

Further searching showed a diet rich in red meat, pork, and processed meat increased the chances of pancreatic cancer by 70%.

Love ya!
Michelle

http://cebp.aacrjournals.org/cgi/content/full/14/9/2098

http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/news/20051004/meaty-diet-may-raise-pancreatic-cancer-risk

Ever have one of those days??

2008-03-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

When you just think, I did a good job today? Most days I look back at the end and think I should have handled this student differently. I should have said this instead of this.

But today, I was in the teaching zone! :) I had some real whoppers of kids, but I was great with them, I have to say. I don't like to brag about myself. That is not my intention. I'm only reflecting the difference in the two ways I can feel and how to get there.

On the one hand, when I am impatient and easily agitated and illprepared, I feel like I can't get my footing. I'm putting out fires and correcting this and that and not accomplishing the goal of playing eighth notes with second graders or not accomplishing reading a difficult recorder piece. However, when I go in to it with a different mindset and am prepared...have thought through each scenario, it's SOOOOOO much better.

I could have told A.A. that he was being disrespectful. But how many times has he heard that?

I could have told H.P. that I can't stand her snotty attitude. But what would I ultimately accomplish in that?

I wanted to tell C.M. that he drives me insane. But he probably hears that and worse at home.

Instead, I pulled Alex aside a few days ago and made a deal with him. If he made it through 5 straight days I would buy his lunch at Subway. Guess what? It's been 10 days. All he needed (and his teacher is LOVING me) was someone to check in. So I do. And he runs and gives me his stubby-fingered hug every morning because of it. And today when I had him for Music, he was as perfect as could be. He STAYED in his SEAT!! Seriously, if you knew this kid, your jaw would be dropped to the floor!

I don't always feel like being patient. I don't always feel like mediating through their he-pushed-me's and she-said-I's. But boy, at the end of the day, if I can stay focused on the MISSION of being a teacher, I sure feel good about it.

So next week, Alex is due for another lunch on me. I think now he has proved himself, I'll have to up the ante. I could go broke. :)

In the bag

2008-02-29T18:55:00.001-08:00

A few things that are complete lately:
1. Not only is my classwork finished, but it has been submitted to IWU. PTL
2. I have found someone(s) to watch my children when Chad and I go with our small group (and several others from church) on a Couple's getaway. It will be nice.
3. I found out that my teaching assignment for next year did NOT change, as about 25 or 30's did today!!! Whew~!
4. I would tell you more but don't have a lot of time right now. :)

It's official

2008-02-23T10:51:00.001-08:00

After today, I will be officially done with my courses to renew my teaching license!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!! One more paper to write and a few self-assessment rubrics to do, and that's it!!!!!!!!!

You have NO idea how wonderful this is going to feel!

2008-02-16T23:03:00.001-08:00

Letting go

2008-02-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion that life is too short to stress over little things. And yes, I am specifically talking about the division (that actually does seem to be getting better) in my church. I'll just lay it all out there on the line.

When an elder looked at me and very pointedly said, "We don't want you to fight these battles alone. Send them to us. Every time." I didn't really think much about it...until the next time it happened.

The next time I was approached about something, even though it was hard to hear, after I walked away, I realized that this was exactly what he was talking about. This was the chance to get it off my shoulders. They wanted the burden, as if they were trying to protect me from it. So I let them have it...I gave it up...

People who inadvertantly saw it or even Chad (since I shared it with him) will bring it up in reference. It used to really bug me, and I used to obsess over it...mulling it over, checking off the long list of should-have-said's, fretting, getting my feelings hurt....but not this time.

Giving that up was the most freeing experience! The yoke became easy. The burden light.

And the most amazing part is that even if the elders never approach the person, even if they never do anything about it...just hearing them say they were going to "go to battle" for me was enough, somehow. For now, at least.

I don't feel alone in it. That's huge.

Occasionally people from my inner circle will ask me if I have gotten any grief lately. That happened tonight. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, but I'm over it. I'm done. I am not going to allow myself to get in the middle of this anymore." And that was that.

It feels....oh, I don't know....healthy I guess. To quote my favorite Friends character, "And that, my friend, is what we call closure."

Can't help but love her!

2008-02-14T13:55:00.000-08:00

I got this picture today from Micah!! :) I LOVE THIS GIRL!

Grace is so adorable and seems to be such a happy baby! Todd and Micah, you are so blessed! (Please move home....)

Psalm 37:18 and Psalm 34

2008-02-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever

I had a friend text me last night and all it said was "Read Psalm 37." I'm not sure why he asked me to or what prompted it. I don't know if he read my blog and thought this is what I needed...I don't know...either way, I read it. Most of it is about not worrying about evildoers who wrong you, and how God blesses the righteous and cuts off the evil.

This verse stood out to me, though. Verse 18. "Their heritage will remain forever..." It reminds me of the legacy...the heritage I have been left. The mighty and yet precious gift my mom and dad gave me. I grew up knowing God. I grew up knowing He loves me, that He will help me.

Am I my father's heritage? The only way I will remain forever is to trust in Him even now. To love Him and follow Him and leave more "heritages" to spread this gift throughout our world.

I pray that I am Dad's legacy.

Then it dawned on me that it was possible that when I was texted to read Psalm 37 that a finger could have slipped, so I tried Psalm 34. I have to say I sat and bawled while I read it. Even if it was not what my friend intended, THIS spoke to me. For the first time in a long time, I FELT GOD TODAY. It's as if this passage was written FOR ME. I still tear up thinking of the truth in this.

Psalm 34:1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9 Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

11 Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
21 Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

The emphasized portions are what struck me. God's ear is toward my cries. His face looks upon me...He watches me. He is near the BROKENHEARTED and SAVES the CRUSHED SPIRIT. That's ME! That's ME!

God, thank You for being near me today. Thank You for sending this to me - even if this was not what my friend intended. Bless him for it, God. Listen to my cries of grief! Be near me. Save my crushed spirit, Lord. Let me continually praise You. Let me be strong for those around me. Forgive me God when I feel so alone that I forget You are here, near me, loving me, holding me. Show me more of these comforting truths! I crave being in Your presence! Heal my heart. Take away the pain.

In all things, let me show my children who You are. Help me leave a legacy for them just as I have had through my parents. God I love You. Amen

success

2008-02-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

I was very proud of my kids in 2nd and 3rd grade tonight. We had our concert. (Songs We Love - get it??? It's in Feb. close to Valentine's Day....) It was FANTASTIC. More people gushed over it than any concert I've ever done. It was such a relief. The new superintendent was rumored to be there, and if she liked it half as much as the people who talked to me did, then THAT's a good thing.

I'm serious. I think MAYBE one other concert when I was teaching high school comes close. These little guys in gals in their dresses and ties were fabulous!

Who would have guessed I would have thought 8 year olds were as well rehearsed and talented as these kids were. They just had FUN. But they weren't out of control. It was nice.

I hope I have more like that --- the ones I can walk away from and not think of the "gliches" but think of the FUN we had together doing cool stuff - like getting fourth graders to SING IN 3 PART HARMONY!! (Oh yeah!! They did!!! Those of you who know are impressed by that!!! I know it!)

It feels good....

why count?

2008-02-10T20:57:00.001-08:00

For some reason I'm obsessed with counting the days you have been gone. Weird? I hear talk of other people dreaming about you. But I don't. I kinda wish I would so that I could have a brief moment of feeling whole again.

For a gifted person....

2008-02-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

...I really don't get some of the stuff I'm reading in Exodus (see previous posts to understand title of this post! HA!). Can anyone enlighten me as to why the Israelites in the dessert had to build things with this color thread or that color? With this gold overlay and that exact measurement? With rings on the corners of this piece or that? Maybe I'm missing something. Is it just so God could test the limits and precision of their obedience? Were there historical or cultural significances in these measurements or colors? It seems a little like busy work in school, reading about how many inches high a curtain was. Was it so they could easily measure and realize exactly what it was they were holding years later? Were these things ever recovered? Any suggestions are better than the questions of "What's the point" that are swirling around in my head. I don't want to seem immature and I don't want to seem irreverent...I just don't get it.

The Beaver

2008-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

Gabriel is sick, and he has been for a long time. I won't bore you with all the details, but for the first time in a long time the thought of the ER came to my mind last night. Chad and I could not get his fever down...or as Gabriel calls it, his "beaver." It was close to 103, and I don't like 102...then we noticed this rash on his chest. He was on fire!

Turns out it is strep, and he's a pretty good patient, actually. I felt bad for him though last night. He seems to have the worse trouble at night time.

In times like those, being a mommy is bittersweet! You want to make it better so badly for them, but you love the snuggle time.

Guess what?!?!

2008-02-08T17:42:00.000-08:00

I took an i.q. test today, and I'm GIFTED! :) HA! I was the lowest possible "gifted" score, but I say it still counts!

It's the little things...

2008-02-03T08:38:00.001-08:00

...remembering how you sang this song or that...
...hearing your voice behind me...
...smiling over what you "would have said"...
...seeing you in my mind, raising your hands in worship...
...walking out of the hospital, down past your old room, for no apparent reason, the last room you took a breath in...

...that make me feel close to you again.

For some odd reason...

2008-02-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

...the old blog http://www.michelle-worshipful1.blogspot.com/ is up and running again. I do not know why it was flagged....and truthfully, I don't know what to do now that I have it back. I doubt I will move all the archived posts over now....UGH! Regardless, of what I decide to do, it's back. There's nothing new on it, but it's there.

Wonderful Family Moments

2008-02-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Took the kids to a movie tonight with Chad. That is rare! I've taken the kids by myself a few times, but Chad hates the movies. It was his idea, so I jumped at the chance. The kids were very good, and we all enjoyed laughing together.

Some fun memories I don't want to forget:
1. As we left tonight, Chad was going to pick the boys and I up at a side exit door. We stood waiting for him, and the normal flow of people exiting would pass through us as we watched out the glass doors. Two little old ladies said, "Excuse me" as they walked between Evan and Luke to exit the building. After they were out of ear shot, thankfully, Evan announced, "You know what? Old people are really little." And he was completely right! They were both small framed, shorter old women. It was the innocense and wonder in his voice that made me laugh.

2. As we drove to and from the theatre, we listened to a CD in the truck. "Boondocks" by Little Big Town is a hit with the kids, and when they heard it, they started singing at the top of their lungs. I am not sure what the magic of the moment was except, Chad was holding my hand, the boys were singing like crazy, Chad and I were bobbing our heads....and for a moment, all was right in my life. It made me wonder what songs my mom and dad used to listen to me sing at the top of my lungs in the van on vacation, and turn their heads and smile at one another....what songs they heard Todd and I sing and felt their hearts warm a little. I'm guessing it was the Cathedrals....Build an Ark maybe?

3. I love when the boys wake up from a nap (a coveted and necessary ritual still at our house - despite their ages - you're never to old to take a nap...) and walk out with sleepy eyes and tussled hair, climbing up on my lap for one last snuggle before they are off, bouncing and playing again. Today Luke, Evan, and Gabriel all shared my lap. I wonder if Drew was disappointed that he woke up last...It makes motherhood so wonderful to be able to hold them.

4. I was watching this week's episode of American Idol, since I didn't watch it when it was actually on, when Luke came out first from his nap. He likes to listen to these bloopers at the beginning of the season with me. He always tells me when someone bad sings that I should go try out. I appreciate his vote of confidence, even though I realize it could never happen. Today when he made that suggestion again, I said, "I could never do that." "Why?" he asked. "I couldn't be gone. If Simon, Randy, and Paula would say yes, I could be gone from you for a very long time." When he asked how long, I exaggerated and said, "A whole year!!" His eyes opened wide, and I saw in his eyes the conflict between wanting me to sing for them and knowing I'd be gone and he'd miss me. So I asked him if he would miss me if I were gone for a year. He nodded and looked down. I said, "Who would cook for you??? You would have to learn how to cook pretty fast!!!" His eyes lit up, he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, grinned his sneaky grin, rubbed his hands together, and through a toothless grin said, "Ice cream, baby!!" I tickled him under his chin as we laughed and giggled together.

I've got some great kids...ornery...but great!

Genesis

2008-01-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

I have to say I have done quite well on some of my resolutions. In particular, I am especially glad that the most important one has been so easy to maintain! I have read the Bible almost every day, and when I have missed, I have been sure to double up the next day. I have one of those "One Year Bibles" that is actually split by the four seasons in to four different books in the set. When I got it I was under the impression that the topics that you would read about would actually be seasonal. Even though this has not been true, I am finished with Genesis and most of Matthew. It adds some Psalms and Proverbs each day as well. I had forgotten how much I have enjoyed Genesis in the past. But I can't help but think that all these men who found favor with God had so many flaws. On the one hand when I read it, I think to myself How in the world could these guys get blessed so much? They lie. They sleep with whoever their wives send to them. And their wives SEND other women in! I have to remember that was a cultural thing, but still something I can't imagine being okay with. They sell their brothers in to slavery....and the list goes on and on. Then on the other hand, I think of the times they obeyed, to unthinkable, unspeakable degrees. Who would actually intend to sacrifice their own son after waiting so long for his birth? I guess it gives me hope that through all my flaws, God can somehow find favor in me. Of all the people so far, I think I admire Joseph the most. He seemed to be so good at following God's commands, so meticulous in the way he dealt with people.

I'm also pretty jealous of those Old Testament men. I mean, it says God walked with them. How awesome is that??? Besides being in the presence of the Holy Lord, they got to take out all guess work. It wasn't like they had to ask themselves Was this truly the direction God wanted me to take my life? Or was I imagining that I was being lead that way? Sometimes I wish God still made that part of life for me just as easy. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm glad we don't have to do the whole sacrificing of animals and stuff. There are definite advantages to being in the 21st century. I'll stay here, thanks.

Another thing (and probably the most prominent point) that impresses me about the way these people in the beginning actually lived was that wherever they were, it didn't matter - they would stop what they were doing, build a monument and worship God. They didn't worry about their surroundings. They didn't have to have this element right, the lighting just so, these select group of people around them, the church looking a certain way, the songs sounding this way or that. No, they just seized the moment to worship. SEIZED the moment. Do I seize the moments I have to worship? Do I crave to do it constantly? Daily? Do I reserve "worship" for the 15 minutes of songs on Sunday morning? Do I realize that worship isn't a service in a building we call a church, it's a lifestyle?

I'm captivated by the thought of living an eternity of praise and worship. I admit sometimes I find myself reserving my "worship time" for a few songs on Sunday. It's not about that. It's a way of life. It was Abraham's way of life. It was Jacob's way of life.

O God let us be a generation that seeks, that seeks your face, O God of Jacob.

Dad...

2008-01-25T22:08:00.001-08:00

He was a great man. There's no doubt about it. I hope I can touch as many lives for Jesus Christ as he did. If I just touch half as many, I will be blessed beyond my wildest imagination. And there are days when I'd give all that away just to have one more moment with him. Then my reality sets in and I realize that I have to press on. I have to do what I'm called to do. Anything less would not be worthy of his memory.

But it surely doesn't change the fact that I miss him....I miss him a lot.

4 days later

2008-01-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

I think I'm over the worst of the flu. I went to the doctor yesterday, and after taking the meds he prescribed, I don't remember much of anything that happened before noon today....scary, since Chad left the 3 youngest with me today. HA! They ARE all still alive, I assure you.

I would say that having pizza for the first meal out of it was probably not my most ingenious idea. But you live, you learn. I was just soooo hungry! I know, I know...it's gross.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers. I hope to be up and running or at least back to normal by tomorrow. NOW I have so much laundry and cleaning to do. Ugh. I got a start on the laundry today, but it was a SMALL start. The kitchen is just, well, I don't even have words. Yes I do, it's a blog for pete's sake. The kitchen has been left to 5 males for the past 4 days. 4 of which are 7 years old and younger. Whatever you are imagining is probably true. It's going to take at least 3 moppings...

Pretty sure...

2008-01-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

...I need prayer. Flu since Monday afternoon....Tried to go back to school today. Lasted 90 minutes. They sent me home. :(

Complete and utter...

2008-01-17T18:38:00.001-08:00

....exhaustion. I'm ready for bed....Hope to be there within 30 minutes.

I'm SUCH a work in progress...

2008-01-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

I had prayed today that God would use a difficult situation to sharpen me and to reveal things to me about myself that I needed to focus on, and I believe He has answered that prayer, even though the answer came in feeling uncomfortable and having to examine myself. I know that the way I felt when I heard about this situation was God convicting me that I have to own up to not only the words I say, but the impressions I give. I praise Him that He has shown this to me. I pray that He will help me to be gentler, to be clearer, to be more like Him.

Coincidence? I think not.

2008-01-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a difficult task. One that needed to be done but was going to make a few people (including me) very uncomfortable. Whenever you have to "air things out" it can never be a walk in the park. I prayed all day. I had people (close to me) praying all day. I had the meeting, and my prayers were answered:
That I would have a clear head.
Not become emotional (i.e. crying)
That I wouldn't be overbearing.
That I would speak truthfully and clearly.

Surprisingly enough, things weren't horrible. I always wonder why we pray for things and then get surprised when the prayers are answered...but I still do it sometimes. He DID answer me, though! I had a level head, I wasn't mean and angry. I didn't get emotional, even when they tried to play that card by bringing up my dad. I spoke clearly, truthfully....

And then it happened after I got home. I got online and went to facebook to check in. I have a daily Bible verse that shows up on my profile. Isn't God funny! He put my FAVORITE verse on there today!

And after all the anxiety of preparing myself mentally and spiritually for the meeting....here is my verse:

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

I trusted in Him to keep me strong, to keep me level....and HE DID because I WENT TO HIM and put it at HIS FEET. And I am peaceful about it.

You make me so glad that I know you, Jesus. You come through just when I need you. Thank You for showing me yet again that when we call on Your name for help, You are that strong and mighty tower that shields us from Satan's grip. Thank You for loving me enough to be with me every second of the day. I know You never left my side tonight. You ARE good. All the time. Amen.

If at first you don't succeed....

2008-01-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

...I'm going to attempt a video from the Wii playing. Okay...so THAT didn't work but I managed to get an old one in our old house (you will be looking at the largest room in it, by the way) with the boys dancing after having a bath for the night. Check out Gabriel's moves! I had forgotten all about this! Here's the reason it won't work, as far as I can tell. If you have insight, please let me know. I go to upload a video, and then browse. I open the little SD memory card (I think that's what they are called), and there are no VIDEOS on it, even though when I put it back in the video camera, I can view them as VIDEOS. On the computer, they come up as pictures when I open the card up through My Computer. I don't understand...help appreciated.

AHHHHHHH!!!! I can't do this! Drat you Blogger! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why is it so hard???

Wiiiiiiii pictures!

2008-01-13T15:31:00.001-08:00

Wiiii've had a lot of people over to play our most popular Christmas gift.

I have great video of Wii mishaps - very funny stuff - and then I have video of Gabriel being EXTREMELY cute playing the Wii...but I have no idea how to use YouTube. A little frustrated that I can't share. :( Oh well. Hope the pictures have been enough for now. I'll work on it again later.

A few Christmas pictures....enjoy!

2008-01-13T15:20:00.001-08:00

Sara received her own gift for the White Elephant Exchange...she actually stole it back so that Grandma Wilda wouldn't get Black Santa. It was hilarious at the time.

Todd sitting next to Uncle Gary

Grace loves her Aunt Chelle!

Micah at the Nicholson Christmas

My aunt Sally and her great-niece, Grace Michelle.

Sara again at Christmas - with "Baby Girl"

Gabriel with Grandpa Lowell and Grandma Wilda.

Grace the night I watched her (Dec. 27) so that Todd and Micah could go on a date!

Greg with another wonderful white elephant gift.....he was envied by us all.

Chad and I look good with a girl, don't you think?????? I told Todd and Micah to check her car seat...I was going to steal her!

Drew with Grandma Wilda

Evan and Drew at the Nicholson Christmas. Drew is the more "excited" one.

BONUS

2008-01-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Besides the fact that I have now had to restrain two children this week at school...physically restrain....(*rolling eyes*) the last 24 hours have had bonuses:
1. I kept my resolutions last night - read God's Word for about 45 minutes! WOW - exercised for 31 minutes (the extra minute counts, so I put it in there) - AND went to bed at 10:30!
2. Had a relaxing night at home tonight. No phone calls....nothing. Just me and the computer and a little (and I mean a little) cleaning.
3. Getting ready to go keep those resolutions again tonight.
4. I watched Hairspray last night before going to bed. What a delightful little movie! :)
5. Hey - I just realized I kept another resolution by posting a positive post! Look at me go!!!!!!

Happy Thursday night! OH YAY! Tommorrow is FRIDAY! And the Faull's are coming! Hip hip hoooooooray!

'night all!

Resolutions

2008-01-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

I don't normally do these....and the fact that it has taken me until the 9th of this month to actually decide to have any makes me wonder about their future success rate (or lack thereof). So...with a pensive heart (oooo, good word. pensive. don't use that one often) I list my 2008 resolutions.

1. I will read the Bible every day. I WILL. I have come to the conclusion it may be the only way to heal after my father's death. Nothing else has worked.
2. I will post a positive blog once in a while! :) HA!
3. I will exercise more. Ok. Who am I kidding? I'll start exercising. I actually had begun exercising this fall, and then I hurt my shoulder and that was my excuse not to do it. So I will get back in to it. I will start tonight.
4. I also resolve that if at any point I need to add to this list, I will do so without regret. :) HA!
5. I will also keep up with the laundry at my house. No more than 2 waiting loads. That's it.
6. I will also get more sleep. I have to face it. I am a night owl. I won't apologize for it. But I'm cranky when I go to bed at 2 and get up at 6. The other night I was exhausted and went to bed (no kidding) at 8:30. I slept until 6 AM. My body didn't know what to do. I woke up at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 before finally getting up. But that day I felt a lot better than normal. So I will go to bed by midnight. Let's not kid ourselves, I'm a night owl. Setting a bedtime of 10 would never do. I'll start at midnight and if there are nights when I go to bed earlier, then so be it. Midnight is a good goal.

I better quit before I force myself to fail. HA!

I have pictures to post from the new camera I got. If I can figure out how, I have a GREAT video of my sons playing the Wii they got for Christmas. QUITE COMICAL! So after church tonight...after exercising...and before reading the Word, I will try to get some posted on here. We'll see!

Why aren't I better?

2008-01-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

That's the question that resounds in my head. I finally let it out tonight. Transferring these posts has been for the most part a point and click and copy and paste....but when a title catches my eye, I can't help but read. Sometimes I read all of it. Sometimes only a little. I still feel exactly the same as I did July 4 and on July 30. I don't know how I can't be better. People kept saying it would be better. 6 months have passed and I don't know if I am. Some days I don't cry, but most days I do. Especially this past month. Man! You'd think I could put some of this behind. And there are times that I do, only to feel guilty when I think that I had a good time with some one or doing something. After all, how can I be having fun or being normal when my life is NOT normal. I don't FEEL normal. Of course, your response is, "Your dad would WANT you to go on...Nothing is your fault. You have no reason to feel guilt...." Well, tell any of that to my head/heart and see where it gets you. No where. Trust me. Been there - done that.

OK. So I'm different. So I have this ache inside that may never dull. Fine. So you say that God can heal it. He can fill the void. I believe it. I just don't see the evidence of it. How do you get there? Praying? Seeking Christian friends and advice? Reading His Word? Again. Been there- done that. Still nothing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not losing faith. I haven't given up on my Savior. I just don't know when He's going to finally pull me out of this funk. That's all.

NEW BLOG

2008-01-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

Ok...for some unknown reason, Blogger flagged my account as inappropriate. I don't have ANY clue why. So here is a "new and improved version." Because of all the confusion, I think I'm going to do some copying and pasting to put the old stuff in here so that I can have it all in one place...but that will take some time. SO - until then, I'll try to update as often as possible.

How pathetic am I that Luke is in to these Webkinz stuffed animals and I play with it more than he does?!?! HA! The stuffed little guys (a black bear named Coco and a beagle named Payton) come with an access code and when you log in to webkinz.com you get to create a house, furnish it, decorate it. You have to earn money by playing games or getting "jobs" to feed the pets and clothe them. You have to watch their health (exercise and food), happiness (play time), and you have to take care of them. It's a blast. I have had so much fun with them that it's hard to hand over the computer chair for him once I log in.... :) I highly recommend these things. If you are going to let your child explore the internet, these are great products. Some of the games are very generic, but they are also educational. Math, language, reading, typing skills...it's endless.

Soooo...what can I say that would be riveting? hmmm... I have had a good time over the past two weeks with the kids for Christmas break. They obviously have pushed my buttons at times, but they have been so wonderful, too. I had the opportunity to go on a "date" with each one while Christmas shopping for their dad and their brothers. They picked the restaurant, and we talked about being gentlemen: holding doors open, using good manners, etc. It was wonderful to get alone time with them. They are completely different when they have all Mommy's attention! And I get to see them being ... well, them. Absolutely wonderful.

I have had many enlightening conversations over the past weeks. Several of them have focused upon my Dad. The first Christmas without him took its toll on us all in different ways. Poor Chad. Every time he turned around, one of us was emotional again.

Here is one of my favorites:
Scenario: I was messing around on the computer, and a picture of my dad popped up. The three older boys had all been standing near. Drew saw the picture and the rest goes like this:

Drew: PAPPAW!!! Mommy, when do I get to see him again?
Me: Honey, we've talked about this before. He's in heaven, so the next time we see him is when we go to heaven.
Drew: When will that be?
Me: Well, after Jesus comes back or we die. (Drew's face kind of sunk at that point.)
Drew: I want to go to heaven.
Luke: You can if you are a Christian.
Evan: What's a Christian?
Me: Well, you have to believe in Jesus and God, and you have to live like Jesus wants you to live. When you believe in Him and love Him, you do what He says. That includes listening to Mommy and Daddy and obeying us. (Like how I threw that one in there????)
Luke: That's not all. You have to be bath-e-tized.
Me: BAP-tized.
Evan: What is BAP-the-tized?
Luke: It's like taking a bath in front of people.
Drew: Why do they want to see me naked?!?!?
Me: You have clothes on, silly.
Evan: That's wierd.
Me: I know. It is wierd to get a bath with clothes on!
Drew: Why do you have to be bath-e-tized?
Luke: Because that's what Jesus says Christians have to do.
Me: It's like when you take a bath at home. You do it to leave the dirt in the water and get clean. When you become a Christian, you ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin. When you get baptized, it's like showing the world that God has cleaned you from your sins.
Evan: What are sins?
Me: Being mean. Hitting. Not obeying your parents. Not listening to your parents. Fighting. Doing things you are not supposed to do.
Evan: What if you don't get bap-the-tized?
Luke: You go to hell, which is also a bad word we aren't supposed to say. Right, Mommy?
Me: Right. But it's a place, too. Not just a bad word.
Drew: What is hell like?
Me: I don't really know except that it's like having the worst thing you can imagine and then it's a lot worse than that. So if you don't like snakes, there might be a million snakes crawling on you.
Boys: Ew!
Me: We do know that there will be fire.
Evan: Like in our back yard?
Drew: Marshmallows!!!!
Me: No. Not that kind of fire. People in hell have to live in fire.
Evan: Does it touch their skin?
Me: I believe it does. That would be awful.
Luke: And the devil lives there.
Me: Yep. Fire and the devil. I don't want to go there.
Drew: (raises his right hand as high as he can) I BELIEVE IN JESUS!! I BELIEVE IN JESUS! I BELIEVE IN JESUS!!!!!
Evan: So what if I do bad things?
Me: You can always ask Jesus to forgive you and try to change the way you act so you don't do the bad things again. God always listens to you when you pray. He will forgive you when you ask Him to.

It's amazing to hear them talk about things like this. They are little sponges. I'm thankful for the times that I can fill those little sponges full of GOD and not the world.

The past two weeks have also been rough, though. It seems every other night, one of the boys has gotten very upset around bed time about missing their grandpa. I don't know if my emotional journey has triggered it or not. Could have. Probably did. Especially in Gabriel's case. Thursday night was grueling. Evan got almost hysterical. I was in the other room when I heard this sobbing. It was definitely more than the "Drew hit me" or "Luke called me a boogerbutt" cry. So I got up and went in as soon as I heard it. He was shaking, almost uncontrollably. He couldn't calm down and I thought he was going to hyperventilate because he could not catch his breath whatsoever. It was awful. The more he cried, the more my emotions got to me. I finally had to leave to get Chad who was playing our new Wii (I'll have to post about that some other time). I asked him to come help me calm Evan down because I was obviously not doing a good job since I was now crying myself. It took a long time of different tactics. ("Remember the good times...you were special to Pappaw because....remember when he....I know he loved you....he was so proud of you...you'll see him again in heaven....")

It finally happened, though. The next morning, I had to go to the teacher work day at school. On the way to the babysitters, we were listening to the Zune, and he said, "Mommy! Turn that down. I forgot to tell you something." So I did, and I asked what he wanted to say. He told me that after Chad and I had left his room the night before, he had prayed. I asked what about, and his answer so was so precious. He said he had prayed, "Thank you for this wonderful day," (a standard thanksgiving in all of Evan's prayers...it struck me funny that he would thank God at that particular sob-filled moment to thank God for giving him a wonderful day....) and "Please keep Pappaw safe up there in heaven." I asked him if it made him feel better to pray. He said that it had.

So we have to be doing something right...Right? : )

God, thank you for this wonderful day :) and thanks for these cherished moments when my children and I can share Jesus with each other. You know we miss Dad terribly, but I thank you that through our grief my children are learning to pray to you and depend on you. That makes any day a wonderful day. Amen.

YAY! They are home!

2007-12-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

I reunited with Todd, Micah, and Grace today. It was awesome! I can't believe her cheeks!!! Grace is quite the ADORABLE chunk! She's such a happy baby.

I got a good cry out with Todd today, too....I guess. This next week is going to be so bittersweet. Bitter for the loss I've suffered, but sweet for seeing them again and getting to spend time with them.

The twins were in a preschool Christmas program. Drew and Evan were both wise men. :) It was so sweet. Today as we were talking about what the wise men did in the whole Christmas story, the conversation went something like this:

Me: So tell me what you are doing in the program tonight.
Drew/Evan: We are wise men.
Me: What do the wise men do?
Evan: They follow the star.
Drew: Drew G. is the star. We walk around in the song Walking to Bethlehem. It's the most important part of the whole story.
Me: That's a big responsibility. You must be important. Why do they follow the star? Where are they going?
Drew: To see Jesus.

Now, realizing that they know the Christmas story and have been told all about it....my next question comes.

Me: What do the wise men bring?
Evan: Just cookies for after the program.

HYSTERICAL!

sigh

2007-12-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

I got a funny email today...one that I thought I'd pass on. As I was scrolling through the list of email addresses from the contacts list, I came across a name and thought, "Oh he'd like it." I clicked on my dad's email address before realizing...

When does that stop?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2007-11-21T22:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sure this next month will be full of new emotions I hadn't counted on...new feelings...but I'll work through it, I guess.

We actually put up our Christmas stuff early this year. We got in the mood last weekend. So Saturday night we got to decorate our new home for the first time. It was fun. Well, it was fun AFTER a few fiascos, but that's ok. :)

Soap, pops, and shopping

2007-11-12T22:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I would not advise using dish soap to "teach your children a lesson..." Last week, after several days of picking up the kids to find out that they had been been talking back and calling names such as "poopy," I decided that the previous consequences weren't quite enough. I have often used a medicine dropper full of vinegar to each them that their mouth can say ugly things, but apparently vinegar didn't make the shopping list, so dish soap it was. Now I can remember eating soap as a child. I've heard stories of many - no, countless parents who have used it. So I thought nothing of lining up Drew, Evan, and Gabriel in the kitchen and squirting the soap in their mouth. Twenty seconds later I would have a completely different viewpoint...They were vomitting everywhere in that kitchen. Twenty minutes later they were still vomiting. They didn't bend over. They didn't attempt to move to the trash can. They didn't even aim for it when I brought it to them. They just let the vomit splat all over their clothes, shoes, and the kitchen floor. So who was really punished in all this??? I think I should put vinegar back on top of the grocery list.

I popped my collar bone last Wednesday. Now pain shoots up my neck in to my left ear and around the back to the base of my head. I can hardly stand it, so tomorrow I head to the doctor. It keeps getting worse.

Despite the shore collar bone/neck/shoulder, I shopped this weekend with 22 people from church. We left Friday morning and returned Saturday night. Wanna be completely green with envy? I'm done Christmas shopping except for 3 gifts!! YAY!!!

So that should have just caught you up on the last week and a half. Have a great week.

Apparently I'm not a girl. Imagine my surprise!

2007-11-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

So today, Gabriel grew up in front of my eyes. He asked me why I didn't have a weener (a term Luke has brought to our household from school or his dad, I'm not sure which...). I answered that girls don't have pee pees and I am a girl. His answer? "No you're not. You're a mommy!"

Complete Randomness

2007-10-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

1. Is "randomness" a word?
2. I was told to shut up and was spit at by an 8 year old at school today. He's lucky to remain attached to the rest of his body.
3. Last Thursday, I decided since the weather was fairly decent that I would take the boys (who had been asking about the whole thing) to my dad's grave site. Despite a rocky beginning, the kids probably had more fun than anything else asking who was burried here and there. It was actually pretty good. I had dreaded the day. Luke, of course, was much more aware of WHY we were there, but he did very well.
4. Later that night, we had to watch Casey the bunny die. Ok, God, horrible timing. It's like Luke was okay at the cemetery, but when that bunny was dying, he was almost hysterical. I ached for him. He and the twins helped Chad bury her. We don't know what happened. But we watched the painful death. She was quiet but in much pain.
5. So, meet OREO:
Luke is in better spirits now about it, but last night had a relapse of crying hysterically for the first bunny and even had a bad dream that Oreo died. I chalk it up to being normal for his grieving process. Seriously, God. Bad timing....
6. This is a picture I took at Dad's the last Sunday we spent there...Drew and Luke were chilling. Dad was sitting on the couch to my right, or rather on the floor propped up against the couch with a vibrating massager thing on his lower back trying to gain relief.
7. A definite highlight to his birthday party: he got a Jeep (it was given to us by some pretty awesome people, we just bought the batteries). THANKS T & T!

Also a highlight, Mom and Jon sent him this big play tent. It can either be a school bus or fire truck. He enjoys it. He's the king in there!

Some new clothes Gabriel got.

8. The story of my "Pretty Awesome Son Shirt." Since Dad's illness was so close to Luke's and the twins' birthdays, Mom got to be home during that time frame, and she was able to take them shopping for their birthdays. This is pretty rare since she lives in Montana. When shopping, Luke told my mom that I was pretty said and he thought they should get me something to cheer me up. As if that wasn't sweet enough, when Mom explained that if she got me a shirt, he would have one less present because she had a certain amount of money to spend, Luke picked out not one, but two shirts for me. So now, every time I wear either shirt, if someone compliments either of them, I am sure to tell them it's my "Pretty Awesome Son Shirt." I share it with you today, because I wore the maroon one today, so I got to tell the story 4 times. You make 5.
9. Drew is having a little bit of trouble with his mouth lately. I wouldn't say any of my kids are rude, but Drew and Evan seem to be testing to see what they can say and can't. More often Drew doesn't get the hint as quickly as Evan. I don't want you to think they are brats because I don't think they are....maybe I'm biased, but we get a lot of compliments on our kids, so I hope people are not lying. Anyway, Drew got in trouble tonight, and it's one of those things that made me chuckle AFTER the fact, and had he not done this on the same day as my random thought #1, his punishment may have been quicker. He got in trouble at the babysitter's today, and they do spank occasionally. Today he did something...now I don't even remember what...and he got a spanking. In the middle of the spanking he looked at the lady and said "You hitted me enough times already!" So he got in more trouble. I'm not sure at this point what they did for punishment or if they just saved it for me. Either way, he was not allowed in the toy room or in front of the TV at all tonight. He went to bed early (even though it was only 15 minutes), and he had to do chore after chore after chore once he got home. Hopefully he will think twice before spouting off to them tomorrow.
10. On the other hand, you won't find more loving and serving kids than Luke, Drew, Evan, and Gabriel. I mean, the shirt story is enough to put Luke's tender heart right up there with the best of them. Drew and Evan are constantly looking for ways to serve others, a "chore" on their charts that they want to do well in. Evan swept Luke and Gabriel's room tonight, for example. Gabriel will bring you endless "totes" from the refrigerator, regardless of the fact that you just opened the can he just brought you 2 minutes ago. I couldn't ask for better kids. If they didn't test the waters some, I'd wonder about them. Plus I wouldn't feel as fortunate when I see the 8 year old who looked at me with such hate in his eyes today.
11. Normally I'd give you the whole rundown about the events (however insignificant they were) leading up to today's meltdown in class for that little boy...but somehow tonight, even though they sometimes exasperate me or push my buttons...somehow, it doesn't seem like a story I want to tell. It is obvious he doesn't have the kind of home my kids do - however chaotic it may feel sometimes. Lately I've been pretty consumed with the Poor-Me-Spirit (an equally evil form of PMS). I'd apologize for it, but I think it's supposed to be normal for this stage in the game. But tonight? Tonight, I feel blessed. Yeah, Dad was taken from me and my family a little early by our standards, and yeah, it still hurts. It may always hurt - despite the promise by people who have gone through similar situations that it "gets better." But I did have 31 years with a man who loved me just as much as I love my kids. It's weird to think that I pushed his buttons. I did things that in light of his day at work were dealt with differently. I wanted to serve him and love him by bringing him a diet coke. No matter how crazy it got, he came in and tucked me in, said a prayer, and gave me a kiss each night. Yeah, he thought about me growing up and not knowing his mother. Maybe he even took me to her grave site and let me walk through asking questions. He held my sobbing body close to him when my black bunny died in the garage, when my golden cat was smashed on the highway. He looked at me and smiled his half-smile at the supper table while I ate "Bert and Ernie Noses" (peas and limas). You're right, everybody. He does live on inside of me. That's pretty great.
12. I have been blessed.

Ups and Downs

2007-10-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

UPS:
Read it and weep!!! I'm so proud of my little guy!!! This is his first report card...well, the first one with more than check marks!! This one had real grades on it, and I have to say, I'm REALLY happy with Luke's accomplishments!!

I have fall break this weekend, and I need it. That's a plus. Big time.

Gabriel turned 3 yesterday!! He's such a big kid now. On Saturday night when I carried him to bed after falling asleep on the couch, I was pretty bummed that it was the last time I may put a baby to bed. It is exciting to see him grow up and get his own (slightly bossy, a little spoiled) personality.

DOWNS:
The spunky little three year old dumped his entire plate at dinner not once...no, not even twice....3 STINKIN' TIMES!!! I was so mad! It's hard to stay calm - especially with repeat offenders. Green beans, mashed potatoes, yogurt - all caked to the floor. THREE TIMES. The entire kitchen was moved to the living room for that "clean up in Aisle 4." The other night Drew did the same thing with chocolate milk. It literally spanned the entire width of the kitchen.

Dad wasn't at the birthday party last night. I was okay while it was happening...and even later that night. Even when Jenny was trying to talk to me about Dad. I was trying not to get emotional then. (Jen, sorry. I guess maybe I didn't really want to talk about it - looking back at last night. Hope I didn't upset you...) Today - hit me like a ton of bricks at school. I was on my prep period, thank God. The image of my dad opening gifts with Gabriel last year while we snapped pictures kept coming to me today. Then the realization that he not only didn't get ot help Gabriel, or see the amazing Bears come back last night or eat cake and laugh with us, or hug me goodbye...it just still stings. A lot. So today? Today was pretty crappy. Maybe the rain and gloominess of the sky didn't help. Either way, I was pretty sad today.

A friend from church is battling some medical issues. I called him in his hospital room and prayed with him during my prep today (and before the breakdown I just mentioned). It's scary to hear dooming medical terms as possibilities. But you know his response? In my anxiety for him, he said that my dad taught him how to handle it no matter what the real outcomes are. How amazing. I was blessed. I guess the last half of this paragraph may belong in the "ups".

Thanks for letting me get it out, once again.

what a difference...

2007-10-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

A new hairstyle can make. My spirits were lifted today....just a simple haircut and highlight, but it did me good.

Luke QB'ed his flag football game tonight and threw a touchdown pass on his second play!!!!!!! Needless to say, our section was quite rowdy over that one. It was fun.

And now I am going to do something I haven't done in....ages....
It's not even 9 PM and I'm going to bed. Hopefully TONIGHT will be different and I can get some sleep.

Strange

2007-10-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

While I was teaching yesterday, my classroom door was open. I'm on the end of the building (they tend to keep the noisy ones away from others), so I usually leave the door open unless it's lunch time because the noise from the cafeteria and my classroom tend to compete if the door isn't shut. I was teaching fourth grade, and I glanced up because something caught my eye by the door. I was so sure. I saw my dad. He was walking by with his white t-shirt that had some baseball reference and the big scripted word "Sacrifice" across the front. That split second was more than wonderful. I had that urge to call out to him and call him back in the room. And then in that flash of a moment, it all fell apart. The flood of reality came crashing back in. So this makes the 3rd time something like this has happened.

I saw him standing in line at the viewing, waiting to see himself, apparently.

Last Saturday, I was relaxing in the sand. Gabriel and Chad were trying to doze in the sun. The other boys were off playing with Tony and LuAnn, Chad's parents. My eyes were shut. My head tilted back against the chair. I was trying to doze off myself when I heard Dad off to my left. But it wasn't him. He was talking...but no, he wasn't.

A friend at church had told me she sees her dad (who died when I was a little girl) walking down the streets of Greentown....or in the grocery store.

I hate these tricks my mind plays. It makes the devastation that he's gone choke me.

This week at school is grandparent's week, as if one day wouldn't have been bad enough. My schedule actually managed to avoid the times with the grade levels involved (all but tomorrow morning for about one hour). But today...I had a hard time. I was walking back from another classroom getting ready for my fourth grade Music class when I saw another teacher come out from around a corner calling out that we needed the nurse and someone to call 911. Apparently, a grandfather (with a very recent history of 2 open heart surgeries and a few heart attacks) had gone down, bashing a hole in to the wall about the size of a grapefruit. With the fall came lots of blood. This teacher was followed by the grandson, a third grader, crying hysterically for his grandparent. The images of these visitors in the hallways have stirred up several emotions already....When does Luke have to deal with this? Will he be able to keep his mind off of Dad or will it be a horrible day for him? Dad only got to go to one for Luke. He'll never go to Drew and Evan's grandparents day (other than the one at preschool last year). Gabriel didn't even get a chance....but seeing Erik cry. It mortified me. I wanted to fix it so badly for him. I saw Luke standing there in front of the casket all over again. I heard his cries with each of Erik's sobs. It was horrible.

I know all my posts are so dark....I don't mean them to be. But I do feel better after it's "out" - so I guess for now, please bear with me.

FINALLY!

2007-10-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm proud to announce that with the exception of night time, my family is now 100% DIAPER FREE! :) Way to go, Gabriel! His 3rd birthday is October 21.

I didn't cook

2007-10-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's really becoming a bad habit...a costly habit...but I didn't want to be home tonight, thinking...about 2 months ago...so we went to IHOP.

Gabriel was too cute eating the Kids' "Funny Face Meal" which was one large buttermilk pancake with chocolate chips, whipped cream smile and cherry eyes. He had a blast eating it. What kid wouldn't?

So the trip worked. I felt like a normal family for the first time in a long time. Every one of us was in a good mood. We laughed together over Gabriel's silliness, Luke's growing sense of humor, Drew's uniqueness, and Evan's constant chatter. We learned far too much from the (how do I say this the nice way??) mentally challenged family across from us. Luke held in the laughter (better than my husband did) when they stood to leave and the son's butt-crack was hanging out of his pants. He didn't seem to mind it, as if it were a normal thing for him. We got in the van after paying, and Chad thanked Luke for being mature enough not to giggle at the man whose butt was hanging out. That sparked an entirely new and equally funny conversation. (Side note: Evan is so going to be that kid. The one that crosses right over the line....the funny but gross comments. You know the kind...hopefully it will just linger around ornery and not dirty.)

Later, we headed to the pet store to hook up Tuck the Turtle with a new filter. His was broken and making his tank quite stinky. He is extremely happy with his new set up, swimming through the new floating log with ease. The kids and I watched him for about an hour tonight. Luke even did his homework in front of the tank in Drew and Evan's room on the floor while we watched. It may be a rough morning because they stayed up late, but I won't regret it because it was a near perfect evening for me and the family. There were no arguments, no whining. It was just nice.

...seriously, their butter pecan pancake syrup is delicious...