In the bag

A few things that are complete lately:
1. Not only is my classwork finished, but it has been submitted to IWU. PTL
2. I have found someone(s) to watch my children when Chad and I go with our small group (and several others from church) on a Couple's getaway. It will be nice.
3. I found out that my teaching assignment for next year did NOT change, as about 25 or 30's did today!!! Whew~!
4. I would tell you more but don't have a lot of time right now. :)

It's official

After today, I will be officially done with my courses to renew my teaching license!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!! One more paper to write and a few self-assessment rubrics to do, and that's it!!!!!!!!!

You have NO idea how wonderful this is going to feel!

Letting go

I've come to the conclusion that life is too short to stress over little things. And yes, I am specifically talking about the division (that actually does seem to be getting better) in my church. I'll just lay it all out there on the line.

When an elder looked at me and very pointedly said, "We don't want you to fight these battles alone. Send them to us. Every time." I didn't really think much about it...until the next time it happened.

The next time I was approached about something, even though it was hard to hear, after I walked away, I realized that this was exactly what he was talking about. This was the chance to get it off my shoulders. They wanted the burden, as if they were trying to protect me from it. So I let them have it...I gave it up...

People who inadvertantly saw it or even Chad (since I shared it with him) will bring it up in reference. It used to really bug me, and I used to obsess over it...mulling it over, checking off the long list of should-have-said's, fretting, getting my feelings hurt....but not this time.

Giving that up was the most freeing experience! The yoke became easy. The burden light.

And the most amazing part is that even if the elders never approach the person, even if they never do anything about it...just hearing them say they were going to "go to battle" for me was enough, somehow. For now, at least.

I don't feel alone in it. That's huge.

Occasionally people from my inner circle will ask me if I have gotten any grief lately. That happened tonight. I just smiled and said, "Yeah, but I'm over it. I'm done. I am not going to allow myself to get in the middle of this anymore." And that was that.

It feels....oh, I don't know....healthy I guess. To quote my favorite Friends character, "And that, my friend, is what we call closure."

Can't help but love her!

I got this picture today from Micah!! :) I LOVE THIS GIRL!



Grace is so adorable and seems to be such a happy baby! Todd and Micah, you are so blessed! (Please move home....)

Psalm 37:18 and Psalm 34

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever

I had a friend text me last night and all it said was "Read Psalm 37." I'm not sure why he asked me to or what prompted it. I don't know if he read my blog and thought this is what I needed...I don't know...either way, I read it. Most of it is about not worrying about evildoers who wrong you, and how God blesses the righteous and cuts off the evil.

This verse stood out to me, though. Verse 18. "Their heritage will remain forever..." It reminds me of the legacy...the heritage I have been left. The mighty and yet precious gift my mom and dad gave me. I grew up knowing God. I grew up knowing He loves me, that He will help me.

Am I my father's heritage? The only way I will remain forever is to trust in Him even now. To love Him and follow Him and leave more "heritages" to spread this gift throughout our world.

I pray that I am Dad's legacy.

Then it dawned on me that it was possible that when I was texted to read Psalm 37 that a finger could have slipped, so I tried Psalm 34. I have to say I sat and bawled while I read it. Even if it was not what my friend intended, THIS spoke to me. For the first time in a long time, I FELT GOD TODAY. It's as if this passage was written FOR ME. I still tear up thinking of the truth in this.

Psalm 34:1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
9 Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
10 The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

11 Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
21 Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

The emphasized portions are what struck me. God's ear is toward my cries. His face looks upon me...He watches me. He is near the BROKENHEARTED and SAVES the CRUSHED SPIRIT. That's ME! That's ME!

God, thank You for being near me today. Thank You for sending this to me - even if this was not what my friend intended. Bless him for it, God. Listen to my cries of grief! Be near me. Save my crushed spirit, Lord. Let me continually praise You. Let me be strong for those around me. Forgive me God when I feel so alone that I forget You are here, near me, loving me, holding me. Show me more of these comforting truths! I crave being in Your presence! Heal my heart. Take away the pain.

In all things, let me show my children who You are. Help me leave a legacy for them just as I have had through my parents. God I love You. Amen

success

I was very proud of my kids in 2nd and 3rd grade tonight. We had our concert. (Songs We Love - get it??? It's in Feb. close to Valentine's Day....) It was FANTASTIC. More people gushed over it than any concert I've ever done. It was such a relief. The new superintendent was rumored to be there, and if she liked it half as much as the people who talked to me did, then THAT's a good thing.

I'm serious. I think MAYBE one other concert when I was teaching high school comes close. These little guys in gals in their dresses and ties were fabulous!

Who would have guessed I would have thought 8 year olds were as well rehearsed and talented as these kids were. They just had FUN. But they weren't out of control. It was nice.

I hope I have more like that --- the ones I can walk away from and not think of the "gliches" but think of the FUN we had together doing cool stuff - like getting fourth graders to SING IN 3 PART HARMONY!! (Oh yeah!! They did!!! Those of you who know are impressed by that!!! I know it!)

It feels good....

why count?

For some reason I'm obsessed with counting the days you have been gone. Weird? I hear talk of other people dreaming about you. But I don't. I kinda wish I would so that I could have a brief moment of feeling whole again.

For a gifted person....

...I really don't get some of the stuff I'm reading in Exodus (see previous posts to understand title of this post! HA!). Can anyone enlighten me as to why the Israelites in the dessert had to build things with this color thread or that color? With this gold overlay and that exact measurement? With rings on the corners of this piece or that? Maybe I'm missing something. Is it just so God could test the limits and precision of their obedience? Were there historical or cultural significances in these measurements or colors? It seems a little like busy work in school, reading about how many inches high a curtain was. Was it so they could easily measure and realize exactly what it was they were holding years later? Were these things ever recovered? Any suggestions are better than the questions of "What's the point" that are swirling around in my head. I don't want to seem immature and I don't want to seem irreverent...I just don't get it.

The Beaver

Gabriel is sick, and he has been for a long time. I won't bore you with all the details, but for the first time in a long time the thought of the ER came to my mind last night. Chad and I could not get his fever down...or as Gabriel calls it, his "beaver." It was close to 103, and I don't like 102...then we noticed this rash on his chest. He was on fire!

Turns out it is strep, and he's a pretty good patient, actually. I felt bad for him though last night. He seems to have the worse trouble at night time.

In times like those, being a mommy is bittersweet! You want to make it better so badly for them, but you love the snuggle time.

Guess what?!?!

I took an i.q. test today, and I'm GIFTED! :) HA! I was the lowest possible "gifted" score, but I say it still counts!

It's the little things...

...remembering how you sang this song or that...
...hearing your voice behind me...
...smiling over what you "would have said"...
...seeing you in my mind, raising your hands in worship...
...walking out of the hospital, down past your old room, for no apparent reason, the last room you took a breath in...

...that make me feel close to you again.

For some odd reason...

...the old blog http://www.michelle-worshipful1.blogspot.com/ is up and running again. I do not know why it was flagged....and truthfully, I don't know what to do now that I have it back. I doubt I will move all the archived posts over now....UGH! Regardless, of what I decide to do, it's back. There's nothing new on it, but it's there.

Wonderful Family Moments

Took the kids to a movie tonight with Chad. That is rare! I've taken the kids by myself a few times, but Chad hates the movies. It was his idea, so I jumped at the chance. The kids were very good, and we all enjoyed laughing together.

Some fun memories I don't want to forget:
1. As we left tonight, Chad was going to pick the boys and I up at a side exit door. We stood waiting for him, and the normal flow of people exiting would pass through us as we watched out the glass doors. Two little old ladies said, "Excuse me" as they walked between Evan and Luke to exit the building. After they were out of ear shot, thankfully, Evan announced, "You know what? Old people are really little." And he was completely right! They were both small framed, shorter old women. It was the innocense and wonder in his voice that made me laugh.

2. As we drove to and from the theatre, we listened to a CD in the truck. "Boondocks" by Little Big Town is a hit with the kids, and when they heard it, they started singing at the top of their lungs. I am not sure what the magic of the moment was except, Chad was holding my hand, the boys were singing like crazy, Chad and I were bobbing our heads....and for a moment, all was right in my life. It made me wonder what songs my mom and dad used to listen to me sing at the top of my lungs in the van on vacation, and turn their heads and smile at one another....what songs they heard Todd and I sing and felt their hearts warm a little. I'm guessing it was the Cathedrals....Build an Ark maybe?

3. I love when the boys wake up from a nap (a coveted and necessary ritual still at our house - despite their ages - you're never to old to take a nap...) and walk out with sleepy eyes and tussled hair, climbing up on my lap for one last snuggle before they are off, bouncing and playing again. Today Luke, Evan, and Gabriel all shared my lap. I wonder if Drew was disappointed that he woke up last...It makes motherhood so wonderful to be able to hold them.

4. I was watching this week's episode of American Idol, since I didn't watch it when it was actually on, when Luke came out first from his nap. He likes to listen to these bloopers at the beginning of the season with me. He always tells me when someone bad sings that I should go try out. I appreciate his vote of confidence, even though I realize it could never happen. Today when he made that suggestion again, I said, "I could never do that." "Why?" he asked. "I couldn't be gone. If Simon, Randy, and Paula would say yes, I could be gone from you for a very long time." When he asked how long, I exaggerated and said, "A whole year!!" His eyes opened wide, and I saw in his eyes the conflict between wanting me to sing for them and knowing I'd be gone and he'd miss me. So I asked him if he would miss me if I were gone for a year. He nodded and looked down. I said, "Who would cook for you??? You would have to learn how to cook pretty fast!!!" His eyes lit up, he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, grinned his sneaky grin, rubbed his hands together, and through a toothless grin said, "Ice cream, baby!!" I tickled him under his chin as we laughed and giggled together.

I've got some great kids...ornery...but great!