Genesis

I have to say I have done quite well on some of my resolutions. In particular, I am especially glad that the most important one has been so easy to maintain! I have read the Bible almost every day, and when I have missed, I have been sure to double up the next day. I have one of those "One Year Bibles" that is actually split by the four seasons in to four different books in the set. When I got it I was under the impression that the topics that you would read about would actually be seasonal. Even though this has not been true, I am finished with Genesis and most of Matthew. It adds some Psalms and Proverbs each day as well. I had forgotten how much I have enjoyed Genesis in the past. But I can't help but think that all these men who found favor with God had so many flaws. On the one hand when I read it, I think to myself How in the world could these guys get blessed so much? They lie. They sleep with whoever their wives send to them. And their wives SEND other women in! I have to remember that was a cultural thing, but still something I can't imagine being okay with. They sell their brothers in to slavery....and the list goes on and on. Then on the other hand, I think of the times they obeyed, to unthinkable, unspeakable degrees. Who would actually intend to sacrifice their own son after waiting so long for his birth? I guess it gives me hope that through all my flaws, God can somehow find favor in me. Of all the people so far, I think I admire Joseph the most. He seemed to be so good at following God's commands, so meticulous in the way he dealt with people.

I'm also pretty jealous of those Old Testament men. I mean, it says God walked with them. How awesome is that??? Besides being in the presence of the Holy Lord, they got to take out all guess work. It wasn't like they had to ask themselves Was this truly the direction God wanted me to take my life? Or was I imagining that I was being lead that way? Sometimes I wish God still made that part of life for me just as easy. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm glad we don't have to do the whole sacrificing of animals and stuff. There are definite advantages to being in the 21st century. I'll stay here, thanks.

Another thing (and probably the most prominent point) that impresses me about the way these people in the beginning actually lived was that wherever they were, it didn't matter - they would stop what they were doing, build a monument and worship God. They didn't worry about their surroundings. They didn't have to have this element right, the lighting just so, these select group of people around them, the church looking a certain way, the songs sounding this way or that. No, they just seized the moment to worship. SEIZED the moment. Do I seize the moments I have to worship? Do I crave to do it constantly? Daily? Do I reserve "worship" for the 15 minutes of songs on Sunday morning? Do I realize that worship isn't a service in a building we call a church, it's a lifestyle?

I'm captivated by the thought of living an eternity of praise and worship. I admit sometimes I find myself reserving my "worship time" for a few songs on Sunday. It's not about that. It's a way of life. It was Abraham's way of life. It was Jacob's way of life.

O God let us be a generation that seeks, that seeks your face, O God of Jacob.

Dad...

He was a great man. There's no doubt about it. I hope I can touch as many lives for Jesus Christ as he did. If I just touch half as many, I will be blessed beyond my wildest imagination. And there are days when I'd give all that away just to have one more moment with him. Then my reality sets in and I realize that I have to press on. I have to do what I'm called to do. Anything less would not be worthy of his memory.

But it surely doesn't change the fact that I miss him....I miss him a lot.

4 days later

I think I'm over the worst of the flu. I went to the doctor yesterday, and after taking the meds he prescribed, I don't remember much of anything that happened before noon today....scary, since Chad left the 3 youngest with me today. HA! They ARE all still alive, I assure you.

I would say that having pizza for the first meal out of it was probably not my most ingenious idea. But you live, you learn. I was just soooo hungry! I know, I know...it's gross.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers. I hope to be up and running or at least back to normal by tomorrow. NOW I have so much laundry and cleaning to do. Ugh. I got a start on the laundry today, but it was a SMALL start. The kitchen is just, well, I don't even have words. Yes I do, it's a blog for pete's sake. The kitchen has been left to 5 males for the past 4 days. 4 of which are 7 years old and younger. Whatever you are imagining is probably true. It's going to take at least 3 moppings...

Pretty sure...

...I need prayer. Flu since Monday afternoon....Tried to go back to school today. Lasted 90 minutes. They sent me home. :(

Complete and utter...

....exhaustion. I'm ready for bed....Hope to be there within 30 minutes.

I'm SUCH a work in progress...

I had prayed today that God would use a difficult situation to sharpen me and to reveal things to me about myself that I needed to focus on, and I believe He has answered that prayer, even though the answer came in feeling uncomfortable and having to examine myself. I know that the way I felt when I heard about this situation was God convicting me that I have to own up to not only the words I say, but the impressions I give. I praise Him that He has shown this to me. I pray that He will help me to be gentler, to be clearer, to be more like Him.

Coincidence? I think not.

Tonight I had a difficult task. One that needed to be done but was going to make a few people (including me) very uncomfortable. Whenever you have to "air things out" it can never be a walk in the park. I prayed all day. I had people (close to me) praying all day. I had the meeting, and my prayers were answered:
That I would have a clear head.
Not become emotional (i.e. crying)
That I wouldn't be overbearing.
That I would speak truthfully and clearly.

Surprisingly enough, things weren't horrible. I always wonder why we pray for things and then get surprised when the prayers are answered...but I still do it sometimes. He DID answer me, though! I had a level head, I wasn't mean and angry. I didn't get emotional, even when they tried to play that card by bringing up my dad. I spoke clearly, truthfully....

And then it happened after I got home. I got online and went to facebook to check in. I have a daily Bible verse that shows up on my profile. Isn't God funny! He put my FAVORITE verse on there today!

And after all the anxiety of preparing myself mentally and spiritually for the meeting....here is my verse:

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

I trusted in Him to keep me strong, to keep me level....and HE DID because I WENT TO HIM and put it at HIS FEET. And I am peaceful about it.

You make me so glad that I know you, Jesus. You come through just when I need you. Thank You for showing me yet again that when we call on Your name for help, You are that strong and mighty tower that shields us from Satan's grip. Thank You for loving me enough to be with me every second of the day. I know You never left my side tonight. You ARE good. All the time. Amen.

If at first you don't succeed....

...I'm going to attempt a video from the Wii playing. Okay...so THAT didn't work but I managed to get an old one in our old house (you will be looking at the largest room in it, by the way) with the boys dancing after having a bath for the night. Check out Gabriel's moves! I had forgotten all about this! Here's the reason it won't work, as far as I can tell. If you have insight, please let me know. I go to upload a video, and then browse. I open the little SD memory card (I think that's what they are called), and there are no VIDEOS on it, even though when I put it back in the video camera, I can view them as VIDEOS. On the computer, they come up as pictures when I open the card up through My Computer. I don't understand...help appreciated.


AHHHHHHH!!!! I can't do this! Drat you Blogger! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why is it so hard???

Wiiiiiiii pictures!

Wiiii've had a lot of people over to play our most popular Christmas gift.







I have great video of Wii mishaps - very funny stuff - and then I have video of Gabriel being EXTREMELY cute playing the Wii...but I have no idea how to use YouTube. A little frustrated that I can't share. :( Oh well. Hope the pictures have been enough for now. I'll work on it again later.

A few Christmas pictures....enjoy!

Sara received her own gift for the White Elephant Exchange...she actually stole it back so that Grandma Wilda wouldn't get Black Santa. It was hilarious at the time.

Todd sitting next to Uncle Gary

Grace loves her Aunt Chelle!

Micah at the Nicholson Christmas

My aunt Sally and her great-niece, Grace Michelle.

Sara again at Christmas - with "Baby Girl"

Gabriel with Grandpa Lowell and Grandma Wilda.

Grace the night I watched her (Dec. 27) so that Todd and Micah could go on a date!

Greg with another wonderful white elephant gift.....he was envied by us all.

Chad and I look good with a girl, don't you think?????? I told Todd and Micah to check her car seat...I was going to steal her!

Drew with Grandma Wilda

Evan and Drew at the Nicholson Christmas. Drew is the more "excited" one.

BONUS

Besides the fact that I have now had to restrain two children this week at school...physically restrain....(*rolling eyes*) the last 24 hours have had bonuses:
1. I kept my resolutions last night - read God's Word for about 45 minutes! WOW - exercised for 31 minutes (the extra minute counts, so I put it in there) - AND went to bed at 10:30!
2. Had a relaxing night at home tonight. No phone calls....nothing. Just me and the computer and a little (and I mean a little) cleaning.
3. Getting ready to go keep those resolutions again tonight.
4. I watched Hairspray last night before going to bed. What a delightful little movie! :)
5. Hey - I just realized I kept another resolution by posting a positive post! Look at me go!!!!!!

Happy Thursday night! OH YAY! Tommorrow is FRIDAY! And the Faull's are coming! Hip hip hoooooooray!

'night all!

Resolutions

I don't normally do these....and the fact that it has taken me until the 9th of this month to actually decide to have any makes me wonder about their future success rate (or lack thereof). So...with a pensive heart (oooo, good word. pensive. don't use that one often) I list my 2008 resolutions.

1. I will read the Bible every day. I WILL. I have come to the conclusion it may be the only way to heal after my father's death. Nothing else has worked.
2. I will post a positive blog once in a while! :) HA!
3. I will exercise more. Ok. Who am I kidding? I'll start exercising. I actually had begun exercising this fall, and then I hurt my shoulder and that was my excuse not to do it. So I will get back in to it. I will start tonight.
4. I also resolve that if at any point I need to add to this list, I will do so without regret. :) HA!
5. I will also keep up with the laundry at my house. No more than 2 waiting loads. That's it.
6. I will also get more sleep. I have to face it. I am a night owl. I won't apologize for it. But I'm cranky when I go to bed at 2 and get up at 6. The other night I was exhausted and went to bed (no kidding) at 8:30. I slept until 6 AM. My body didn't know what to do. I woke up at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 before finally getting up. But that day I felt a lot better than normal. So I will go to bed by midnight. Let's not kid ourselves, I'm a night owl. Setting a bedtime of 10 would never do. I'll start at midnight and if there are nights when I go to bed earlier, then so be it. Midnight is a good goal.

I better quit before I force myself to fail. HA!

I have pictures to post from the new camera I got. If I can figure out how, I have a GREAT video of my sons playing the Wii they got for Christmas. QUITE COMICAL! So after church tonight...after exercising...and before reading the Word, I will try to get some posted on here. We'll see!

Why aren't I better?

That's the question that resounds in my head. I finally let it out tonight. Transferring these posts has been for the most part a point and click and copy and paste....but when a title catches my eye, I can't help but read. Sometimes I read all of it. Sometimes only a little. I still feel exactly the same as I did July 4 and on July 30. I don't know how I can't be better. People kept saying it would be better. 6 months have passed and I don't know if I am. Some days I don't cry, but most days I do. Especially this past month. Man! You'd think I could put some of this behind. And there are times that I do, only to feel guilty when I think that I had a good time with some one or doing something. After all, how can I be having fun or being normal when my life is NOT normal. I don't FEEL normal. Of course, your response is, "Your dad would WANT you to go on...Nothing is your fault. You have no reason to feel guilt...." Well, tell any of that to my head/heart and see where it gets you. No where. Trust me. Been there - done that.

OK. So I'm different. So I have this ache inside that may never dull. Fine. So you say that God can heal it. He can fill the void. I believe it. I just don't see the evidence of it. How do you get there? Praying? Seeking Christian friends and advice? Reading His Word? Again. Been there- done that. Still nothing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not losing faith. I haven't given up on my Savior. I just don't know when He's going to finally pull me out of this funk. That's all.

NEW BLOG

Ok...for some unknown reason, Blogger flagged my account as inappropriate. I don't have ANY clue why. So here is a "new and improved version." Because of all the confusion, I think I'm going to do some copying and pasting to put the old stuff in here so that I can have it all in one place...but that will take some time. SO - until then, I'll try to update as often as possible.

How pathetic am I that Luke is in to these Webkinz stuffed animals and I play with it more than he does?!?! HA! The stuffed little guys (a black bear named Coco and a beagle named Payton) come with an access code and when you log in to webkinz.com you get to create a house, furnish it, decorate it. You have to earn money by playing games or getting "jobs" to feed the pets and clothe them. You have to watch their health (exercise and food), happiness (play time), and you have to take care of them. It's a blast. I have had so much fun with them that it's hard to hand over the computer chair for him once I log in.... :) I highly recommend these things. If you are going to let your child explore the internet, these are great products. Some of the games are very generic, but they are also educational. Math, language, reading, typing skills...it's endless.

Soooo...what can I say that would be riveting? hmmm... I have had a good time over the past two weeks with the kids for Christmas break. They obviously have pushed my buttons at times, but they have been so wonderful, too. I had the opportunity to go on a "date" with each one while Christmas shopping for their dad and their brothers. They picked the restaurant, and we talked about being gentlemen: holding doors open, using good manners, etc. It was wonderful to get alone time with them. They are completely different when they have all Mommy's attention! And I get to see them being ... well, them. Absolutely wonderful.

I have had many enlightening conversations over the past weeks. Several of them have focused upon my Dad. The first Christmas without him took its toll on us all in different ways. Poor Chad. Every time he turned around, one of us was emotional again.

Here is one of my favorites:
Scenario: I was messing around on the computer, and a picture of my dad popped up. The three older boys had all been standing near. Drew saw the picture and the rest goes like this:

Drew: PAPPAW!!! Mommy, when do I get to see him again?
Me: Honey, we've talked about this before. He's in heaven, so the next time we see him is when we go to heaven.
Drew: When will that be?
Me: Well, after Jesus comes back or we die. (Drew's face kind of sunk at that point.)
Drew: I want to go to heaven.
Luke: You can if you are a Christian.
Evan: What's a Christian?
Me: Well, you have to believe in Jesus and God, and you have to live like Jesus wants you to live. When you believe in Him and love Him, you do what He says. That includes listening to Mommy and Daddy and obeying us. (Like how I threw that one in there????)
Luke: That's not all. You have to be bath-e-tized.
Me: BAP-tized.
Evan: What is BAP-the-tized?
Luke: It's like taking a bath in front of people.
Drew: Why do they want to see me naked?!?!?
Me: You have clothes on, silly.
Evan: That's wierd.
Me: I know. It is wierd to get a bath with clothes on!
Drew: Why do you have to be bath-e-tized?
Luke: Because that's what Jesus says Christians have to do.
Me: It's like when you take a bath at home. You do it to leave the dirt in the water and get clean. When you become a Christian, you ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin. When you get baptized, it's like showing the world that God has cleaned you from your sins.
Evan: What are sins?
Me: Being mean. Hitting. Not obeying your parents. Not listening to your parents. Fighting. Doing things you are not supposed to do.
Evan: What if you don't get bap-the-tized?
Luke: You go to hell, which is also a bad word we aren't supposed to say. Right, Mommy?
Me: Right. But it's a place, too. Not just a bad word.
Drew: What is hell like?
Me: I don't really know except that it's like having the worst thing you can imagine and then it's a lot worse than that. So if you don't like snakes, there might be a million snakes crawling on you.
Boys: Ew!
Me: We do know that there will be fire.
Evan: Like in our back yard?
Drew: Marshmallows!!!!
Me: No. Not that kind of fire. People in hell have to live in fire.
Evan: Does it touch their skin?
Me: I believe it does. That would be awful.
Luke: And the devil lives there.
Me: Yep. Fire and the devil. I don't want to go there.
Drew: (raises his right hand as high as he can) I BELIEVE IN JESUS!! I BELIEVE IN JESUS! I BELIEVE IN JESUS!!!!!
Evan: So what if I do bad things?
Me: You can always ask Jesus to forgive you and try to change the way you act so you don't do the bad things again. God always listens to you when you pray. He will forgive you when you ask Him to.

It's amazing to hear them talk about things like this. They are little sponges. I'm thankful for the times that I can fill those little sponges full of GOD and not the world.

The past two weeks have also been rough, though. It seems every other night, one of the boys has gotten very upset around bed time about missing their grandpa. I don't know if my emotional journey has triggered it or not. Could have. Probably did. Especially in Gabriel's case. Thursday night was grueling. Evan got almost hysterical. I was in the other room when I heard this sobbing. It was definitely more than the "Drew hit me" or "Luke called me a boogerbutt" cry. So I got up and went in as soon as I heard it. He was shaking, almost uncontrollably. He couldn't calm down and I thought he was going to hyperventilate because he could not catch his breath whatsoever. It was awful. The more he cried, the more my emotions got to me. I finally had to leave to get Chad who was playing our new Wii (I'll have to post about that some other time). I asked him to come help me calm Evan down because I was obviously not doing a good job since I was now crying myself. It took a long time of different tactics. ("Remember the good times...you were special to Pappaw because....remember when he....I know he loved you....he was so proud of you...you'll see him again in heaven....")

It finally happened, though. The next morning, I had to go to the teacher work day at school. On the way to the babysitters, we were listening to the Zune, and he said, "Mommy! Turn that down. I forgot to tell you something." So I did, and I asked what he wanted to say. He told me that after Chad and I had left his room the night before, he had prayed. I asked what about, and his answer so was so precious. He said he had prayed, "Thank you for this wonderful day," (a standard thanksgiving in all of Evan's prayers...it struck me funny that he would thank God at that particular sob-filled moment to thank God for giving him a wonderful day....) and "Please keep Pappaw safe up there in heaven." I asked him if it made him feel better to pray. He said that it had.

So we have to be doing something right...Right? : )

God, thank you for this wonderful day :) and thanks for these cherished moments when my children and I can share Jesus with each other. You know we miss Dad terribly, but I thank you that through our grief my children are learning to pray to you and depend on you. That makes any day a wonderful day. Amen.