Why aren't I better?

That's the question that resounds in my head. I finally let it out tonight. Transferring these posts has been for the most part a point and click and copy and paste....but when a title catches my eye, I can't help but read. Sometimes I read all of it. Sometimes only a little. I still feel exactly the same as I did July 4 and on July 30. I don't know how I can't be better. People kept saying it would be better. 6 months have passed and I don't know if I am. Some days I don't cry, but most days I do. Especially this past month. Man! You'd think I could put some of this behind. And there are times that I do, only to feel guilty when I think that I had a good time with some one or doing something. After all, how can I be having fun or being normal when my life is NOT normal. I don't FEEL normal. Of course, your response is, "Your dad would WANT you to go on...Nothing is your fault. You have no reason to feel guilt...." Well, tell any of that to my head/heart and see where it gets you. No where. Trust me. Been there - done that.

OK. So I'm different. So I have this ache inside that may never dull. Fine. So you say that God can heal it. He can fill the void. I believe it. I just don't see the evidence of it. How do you get there? Praying? Seeking Christian friends and advice? Reading His Word? Again. Been there- done that. Still nothing. Don't get me wrong. I'm not losing faith. I haven't given up on my Savior. I just don't know when He's going to finally pull me out of this funk. That's all.